Two week wait from hell...

The two week wait is the worst. The progesterone symptoms are so similar to pregnancy symptoms that it becomes so easy to convince yourself that you are pregnant, and then when Aunt Flo shows or is even a few days late, you get so depressed you are crying like crazy because you really thought this was it. Since June, this has been the end of every month for me.

This month, I know I am not ovulating. I know that I the two week wait is not like other months because I know that I can't possibly be feeling all these things. The human brain is funny. You can really trick yourself into thinking or making yourself feel sick. I am so attuned with my body that every little thing I begin to think just maybe I am pregnant. Maybe the doctor was wrong.

Two days ago I felt a really quick sharp cramp, and then it went away. I felt a small cramp today and began to think. Maybe I did ovulate the other day. I haven't really felt cramps since the beginning of the month, and since then it has been all quiet on the uterus front. Until two days ago. Now I think it is because my husband and I have been more active in the bedroom. I am a little sore, and there is a cyst on that ovary. Very possible that it is what was bothering me.

Although I have now been gassy the last few days. I have to pee a little bit more. All things adding up to my Aunt Flo getting ready to visit. What I do have to say is that the last week since being told about not ovulating has been freeing for us. There is no pressure. We know nothing can happen, and we can just enjoy ourselves. I think this is my goal for the next year.

We need to enjoy each other. No pressure. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't in June we will look at other options for how to be parents. It will happen. I really feel that. I really do believe that God will provide, we will just have to wait and see what he has in store for us. I am really excited about 2013 because by the end of the year I do believe there will be 3 of us.

No advice please....

After a few days of digesting the news from the doctor, I am okay with it. I am eagerly awaiting Aunt Flo, and wish she would get here already, or that it was Wednesday already so i could get the Dr to induce it. For the first time in my life I am looking forward to her visit. Can't wait!!

Is it me, or is it some people just don't know what to say? My Sister in law started to tell me about a couple she knows that has been trying for seven years. She then goes on to say that must be really depressed because everyone around them has had at least one baby, one couple is now pregnant with a second child. I am sure she was trying to be helpful. Encouraging even. The issue is that it is hot helpful or encouraging. Please don't tell me that I need to relax. That I need to not stress about it. I know all this. In fact, I don't think it will ever happen at this point, but I am trying to be positive. I don't need advice or even a diagnosis of something you think I might have that the Dr has obviously ruled out. If I ask for advice, then please give it to me. If not, then just listen and be supportive.

Dr's results

Went to dr today. Was told that I am not ovulating. Not a surprise. In 2007, I was told that I would need help with conceiving. I was told last year that since my pituitary tumor went away I should have no problems. I was told in June when I said to my Doctor that I was ready to start trying to have children, that I should have no problems, and that in a year we can look into the reasons why we aren't having children. That was not ok with me. I was screaming out for a doctor to listen. I knew in June and July when I was having an extremely long period, and they have gotten even weirder that there was an issue, but no one would listen. My husband was sure it was him, but I always knew there was an issue with me. It is my hormones. It is my body.

I knew all this. i didn't know how hard it was going to be to hear what I already knew. I am out this month. No christmas miracle for me. Right now all I can do is just enjoy life, focus on work, and pray that God will provide that miracle for me.

Is it Christmas yet?

WOW!! It has been an incredibly busy last few days. I had a concert on Sunday, and then Monday and Tuesday were spent cleaning the apartment. Couldn't believe how dirty it is, and I am still not done cleaning.

This weekend I got hold, feed, and change my nephew. It was so amazing to be able to do that. I was also able to talk with my mom about the whole trying to conceive thing, and how I was going to go for a bunch of testing. She was very okay with it. It was very freeing to be able to talk about it. I no longer feel the stress of carrying the weight around.

Today I go in for testing. I am having an ultrasound to check to make sure everything is ok down there. Praying that everything is ok. I am also praying that I get some answers as to what is going on. This time next year I would love to have a little one in my arms.

Friday I go in for blood testing to make sure it is all okay as well. What I am concerned about today, is that my Ovulation tests were starting to darken, and now they are lighter again. Did I start to gear up for ovulation, and it didn't happen? Will I ovulate this month?

All I know is I haven't really had time to think about it this month. I am pretty sure it won't happen this month, but am excited to get some answers.

Drama, Drama, Drama...

So a no go on the conversation with my mother. It probably won't happen, and I am okay with that. It is what it is, and I have a great support system in other people.

Haven't had a chance to really think about baby making this last few days with all the holiday drama. Could that be a good thing? Or is it a different kind of stress. All I do know, is the tears need to stop, and I need to find something else besides the drama to occupy my time.

focusing on myself....

So peed on the test yesterday and it was negative. Don't know what my body is doing to me. I have been nauseous since before AF, and it really hasn't gone away. On the bright side that keeps me from eating a lot, and my weight has gone down.

I left this weekend feeling good about the whole trying to conceive situation. My husband's family was wonderful, or at least the ones that I talked to about it. Ok they are all awesome, but the support and love I received from the ones who talked to me was awesome. I am grateful that God placed them in my life.

This month I think I will focus on my weight and being healthy. I am not skinny, not even close to it. So this month instead of focusing on getting pregnant, I am going to focus on making myself healthier. Who knows maybe in the process I will get pregnant. At moment though, those pesky grades are going to put themselves into the computer, I should probably work on that.

Opening up is freeing...

I was a hysterical crying mess yesterday during the party. In fact his cousins were really the supportive and just listened and encouraged. He asked if I was ok, and I said I was. It was liberating to be able to say what was going on. To know that they know and will be nothing but supportive, and then hear their struggles with Trying to Conceive.

I can't wait to have the discussion with my mom. With his family, I realize I need to be open and honest with people about what is going on. So instead of getting upset over people that keep asking, I now realize they don't mean to be putting pressure on me, they are just curious, and what is better than to have people praying for me in our struggles.

I am reminded this morning of a friend who took a big step in our small group session of the Women's Retreat to tell us of their struggles. They were the children's pastor, and were feeling incredible pressure to have kids of her own, but at 16 she was told that she would never have children. She talked about her struggles with people asking, and trying to adopt children. The adoption always seemed to fall through, and finally she was blessed with two wonderful boys. She and her husband had a church family who was praying for them, and I am sure she went through the same struggles I am having today.

Today we travel home, but tomorrow I will pee on the last test I have and see what it says. I have been sick on and off all day yesterday, I woke up at 3 am nauseous, and today I woke up with a headache, not to mention the cramping and the peeing all the time I have been doing. Every night for the last few night I have gotten up twice to pee. I am expecting a negative, but I think that I will still do it. You never know right?

It is CD 6, and I think I am crazy....

I may be going crazy, who knows. Yesterday I said I wasn't going to symptom check. Well I mean the two week wait, but here is the deal. I have been peeing like crazy. That should be done with. When Aunt Flo is in town, I always have to pee like crazy, but yesterday it seemed like every 30 mins to and hour I had to pee. Not just the crazy I think I have to pee and then I don't really, no my bladder was completely full to the point it would give me that little cramp of you better pee right now. I have also been having sharp shooting pains that go away quickly in the uterus area. Along with strange things happening to the girls.

This is why I feel like I am going crazy. I never have these symptoms unless I am in the two week wait. I know that Aunt Flo just visited, and in fact I thought she had left, and came back for a quick 12 hour visit of light spotting Thursday to Friday. The weird part was it wasn't like her normal visit. I really don't know what to think. I want to pee on a stick for the heck of it. Just to see, but the rational side of me says there is no way. Whereas the weepy girl who shows her ugly head over the littlest things the last two weeks hasn't gone away. AAAHHH I am going crazy!!!!

Today I will be seeing the husband's family. If they ask about babies, I am vowing to be honest. If I cry, I cry, but I will be honest and straight forward. We want to have children, it isn't for a lack of trying, I have underlying health issues that could be causing infertility, and we have started the process with the Dr to figure out what is wrong with me. Please keep us in your prayers. Simple right? It is easy to say here, but in reality who knows what will happen.

Lingering Aunt Flo

Well Aunt Flo just up and disappeared. Very Weird for me, but not complaining. Last night we had a little fun, and then there was some spotting when I woke up this morning. I also had a few sharp pains, but no clue as to why this is happening. I am not going to symptom check this month.

I use Fertility Friend to keep track of my cycles. I was temping, but the Doctor has told me that I don't need to. He is going to use blood work to determine when and if I Ovulate, and that even a small amount of progesterone will cause elevation in temps, which makes them inaccurate, and since I have thyroid issues, my temps are all ready all over the place.

So this month is about getting answers. I will be keeping track of days, and my cervical mucus, but not really much of anything else. Just going to let the Doctor work his magic, and I am going to focus on everything I need to get done for work and Christmas. Maybe there will be a Christmas miracle, maybe not, but God has all the control.

Although Aunt Flo needs to pack her bags and go away for about 9 months.

The silent struggle of Trying to Conceive

My name is Tracy. I am 32 years old, and my husband is 40. When we married in June we had decided that we would try for kids right away. 6 months later, and still no pregnancy. Not even a small sign of pregnancy. As I have struggled silently with this, other than the wonderful support group of ladies on BabyCenter and my husband and cousin, it has been a very tough road. In 2006, I was diagnosed with a Prolactinoma. I had a micro adenoma on my Pituitary gland that was over producing Prolactin. Before that, I had been previously diagnosed with a hypothyroid that begins to become an overactive Thyroid as I lose weight, and then I gain all my weight back. I have been overweight my entire adult life. My freshman year of college, I didn't just gain the freshman 15, I gained a freshman 70. Looking back on all my symptoms, I believe that I had thyroid issues then, as well as possibly the prolactinoma.

In 2006, with the diagnoses, I was told that it would difficult to become pregnant, but not impossible. That I would have to take meds that would help me with the process, but not to worry about it until I was ready to try. Now it is 6 years later, and after being told last year that the Prolactinoma had disappeared, I am struggling to get pregnant. Not even sure if I am even ovulating. Every month that Aunt Flo comes, I get even more depressed and confused about what is going on. At first, my husband and I have tried doing this naturally. Slowly, I have added tracking methods, and this last cycle I tried temping all other tracking methods but the Ovulation Pee on the stick stuff. What I have noticed with the temping is that my temps are all over the place, and Dr confirmed yesterday that is a result of my thyroid issues.

I think the biggest struggle of this whole process is people who don't know that we are having issues keep asking if we are pregnant. The last few weeks I have burst into tears at the drop of a hat over the littlest thing. It seems everyone around me are having babies. I have had friends and family either have a baby, or announced they are pregnant. There isn't a day I go onto Facebook and not see the mention of the birth of a baby or an announcement. I begin to struggle with the Jealousy that comes with they are having one and I am not. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for these people. It is a struggle for me to show that happiness because I am upset that I am not pregnant.

Anyone in the same position as me, I am sure you have thought Christmas is coming up, I could do something cute to announce it. Every month I think this is it, and I am devastated. I have done a lot of thinking lately. One, I need to give it all to God, and was reminded of it several times yesterday, and two I need to Just let God answer my prayers. There is a time for everything, and he will provide in some way.

In July, I went for my annual women's appointment with my Dr. Found out that she doesn't deliver babies any more, and when I began to ask questions about my conditions she just blew me off. I realized she was no longer the Doctor for me. I was also being told that I should give it time. It normally takes up to a year for couples to conceive. I wanted to yell at her that I am not a normal person. I have underlying issues, but I didn't, I walked away. I finally said enough is enough, and called a different Dr a few weeks ago. I picked her because when I do become pregnant, she has privileges at the hospital I want. I knew her from my allergist (they were sharing the office). I called her office, and her numbered had been disconnected. I then called the new number given me, and it was a different Dr. I was told that she had closed her practice, and her patients and calls were being forwarded. I made an appointment not knowing anything about the Dr. I then looked up Dr on health grades, and everyone was raving about him. What I didn't know until I walked up to his door was that he was an Infertility specialist. God answered my concerns.

This Doctor answered all my questions. He listened to me. He also didn't go straight for the weight is your issue excuse most Doctors used. He said, I believe there is an issue and we are going to find it. I was relieved. Who would have thought that hearing there is an issue would be a relief? Not me, but I am relieved that I am finally getting answers. That I was finally told that I have to wait, and give it time. The biggest thing was that he listened. He asked questions. Being a teacher and mental health professional, I am usually the one to be listening. People talk and tell me things. I finally had someone doing that for me, and now I am not so emotional. Yesterdays appointment was an answer from God, and it was a message that I need to let God do the work. He can carry my burdens. I don't have too.

So the next steps…blood work to see that I am ovulating, an ultrasound to look at the ovaries, and to be open and honest with anyone who asks if we are having a baby. If I give detail and they don't want to hear it, they won't ask again. If they want to be supportive, they will ask and be there to listen. Biggest one of all, have a conversation with my mother about what is going on. I have never had a good relationship with her, but she will be there for me. I know she will, and I can't keep at this alone. My mom has been there through all of the Pituitary issues, and to be more open with my husband about what is going on.

I do know this… I have had a few friends who were told they would never have children, and God Blessed them with two. I know God will do the same for me. He will provide, and I will have strength in him.