Clomid Journey #1....

Well, I am on Day 97 of this cycle. I am calling it the never ending cycle. I have had the Ultra Sound stuck up my hooha so many times in the last 3 weeks I think I need to ask what its intentions are, and remind it that I am married.

We had decisions to make. Do I take Provera, and then start the clomid? Or do I just start the clomid? My Dr decided we could just start the clomid right away. So on 7/3 I took 50 mg for five days, and now I am sitting here waiting. No indication on my chart that I ovulated, and tomorrow I go to see if there are any follicles. Since my temps haven't gone up, I am pretty sure that I haven't Ovulated, and tomorrow I will taking an Ovidrel shot to trigger ovulation. Oh joy!

As for side effects. Haven't really had any. My headaches and nausea are typical. My IBS issues typical. Hot flashes, there are probably more than usual. Cramping, ok it is mild and more constant, and has eased since taking the last pill. Other than that I am feeling great. Relaxing, enjoying the summer for the week with my cousin. Exploring L.A. for cheap and doing things I haven't done before while living here. In all, I am just really enjoying my time off.

What will happen next? I don't know, but for once in the last few months I think there is a glimmer of hope.

can it be any worse...

The last week has been tough. I had blood work done to see if I was pregnant, and of course it was negative. I think I am fated to just see negative at this point. I am on CD 81, and last week when told that I needed to go see a specialist, I was in tears. Seeing an infertility specialist meant that my insurance wasn't going to cover those visits or treatments. I was devastated because it meant that this might never happen.

I really didn't want to hear that this is what God had planned for us. I have a rare disease with no cure, I have PCOS on top of that, and it just seemed hopeless. I cried for two days, and quite a bit of the third day. I was depressed, and my poor DH didn't know how to handle that depression. I saw the reality of the situation, and didn't see the hope. How could I knowing that we couldn't afford to pay for those treatments. Sure we could scrounge the money for the first visit, but what about any visit after that?

All I could see was the worst case scenarios. Luckily when I went to the Dr yesterday, I was given hope. He diagnosed me with PCOS (finally!!) and after some blood work, next week most likely we will be starting the climid process (all of which is covered by insurance). I can't wait, and all of this in time for our first anniversary on Saturday. Things are looking better, and we can't wait for that little miracle.

Am I...?

So I believe that I am ovulating. Hard to believe that 58 days in I might have ovulated on Day 56 of my cycle. I wasn't so focused on it at the beginning of the month because we were still in wait and see mode with my IIH, and now that we have the go ahead, I am getting really excited to see what happens with this cycle, or if my Dr will have to get it jump started. I am so ready for the next step, and finally have hope again.

I no longer struggle with seeing other women announce their pregnancies. It isn't hard to be happy for other people. Mother's day was a struggle as I had thought that we would be expecting by now and I would get to celebrate it for myself besides all the mom's in my family.

I just now have to get through the last few days of school, and then I get to rest for the summer.

I am kicking IIH ass...

God is great! I have literally been in 5 months of hell. Only a week ago I was to the point thinking I will never be able to have children. That I would be told no month after month because we were waiting for my IIH to get better. I only have a mild form of it, but I just didn't see the light at the end of tunnel. My faith wavering as I contemplated how I could have something like this. Then last week on the way home from church after having my mother tell me to suck it up, when only that makes me more sick, I cried the whole way home and asked that my appointment the next wednesday be one in which you still have IIH, but we think that it is time to let you move on. That it will be ok to have a baby.

See I was on a medication that is known to cause birth defects and it was giving me horrible side effects. I didn't want to be on it, I wanted off but they kept insisting to give it a try, take it a little longer. I didn't want to. I didn't want that drug to work because while on Topamax there was no way my Obgyn would agree to doing fertility treatments. My cardiologist wanted me back on the Verapamil which was a medicine that my Ob didn't want me on again for baby reasons. I stopped taking everything, including allergy pills. The only thing I take is spirolactone. It wasn't until last week that I realized that this med is given to PCOS patients, and it acts like estrogen.

Looking back over the last four weeks, I have lost almost 19 lbs, have finally started to eat better because the meds aren't giving me bad side effects any more, and my neurologist gave me the best news I have heard since January. We can finally try to have a baby. No more lets wait and see. No more I don't think this is the time. Instead it was, yes I don't think there will be any issues except you will probably have to have a c-section. I am ok with that.

This is why God is Great. My situation could have been so much worse. Two months ago I was looking at having a shunt put in. I had walked away from UCLA angry, offended, and upset that the Dr wouldn't do anything. I was convinced that a shunt was my only option. I couldn't take the meds. I was allergic to sulfa and wasn't willing to try them for fear that I would end up sicker. I kept reading about how people were not having good experiences with shunts, but I didn't want to keep going as I was going. I also didn't want to learn to live with the symptoms. That wasn't ok with me. I wanted it fixed. I wanted a solution.

Without this person realizing it, they gave me an option to lose weight. They told me about Arbonne, and with that program I have managed to get my headaches to a minimum of pain. With the new meds and food plan I have been able to get the swelling to disappear in my right eye, and the swelling in my left to go down. I still don't see well in my left, but that has to be better than being blind which is what I was facing if we didn't get control of the situation.

So with all of this, last wednesday night on my way home in the midst of tears I prayed that if this isn't going away, I wanted God to help me to get used to the symptoms, to realize my limits, and to have the Dr on my 11 months anniversary to my husband to say that you can move forward. You can try to become a mom.

Yes I am a mom to almost 200 students, and many of them I am more of a mom to them than what they have at home. My heart breaks every day for those kids, but it isn't the same. And now, thanks to God and his guidance of my Dr's, I get to try for that. I get to realize that dream.

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."--Philippians 4:13

You need to fill those rooms....

We are moving into a house in the next few weeks. When we tell everyone how many rooms there are, they say now you need to fill up the rooms. They are implying we must have children now. While this is a great notion and reason we went with a house and why we got the rooms that we did, it is still hard to hear. It is almost like they are rubbing it in that we haven't had a baby yet.

I know we haven't been married a whole year yet, but it seems like an eternity with the baby thing. I figured that we would be at least pregnant by now. If we had gotten pregnant on the honeymoon we would have already had that little bundle of joy in our arms. It didn't happen, and now we are here 9 months later, and there isn't even a pregnancy. Instead, I am stuck with a rare disease that we hope gets under control enough that we can have children, and then when we get the chance to really try again, we will have to do fertility treatments.

It all sucks. There isn't much I or my husband can do about it, but trust that God has plan. That we will be given the perfect baby when the time is right. I don't have the answers as to why all this has happened, but I know God does, and he will heal. I am just really impatient right now.

New alternative drug...

Well I have some answers. My neurologist thought I would have to have a stent. After I left his office he called and told me he found an alternative medicine for me to take. It doesn't contain sulfa, and it works the same as the Diamox and the Lasix. Spironolactone doesn't even have the same side effects as the other drugs. I am now off the Topamax, and taking this and no more tingling feet and hands. No more weird hormonal problems. It seems to me that even my vision is getting better. So with the combination of the new diet and the meds, I am feeling a lot better. I hope it continues. I might even be able to go back and start fertility treatments in the next month or so if it looks like it is going into remission.

I am so thankful and excited. God does work in mysterious ways. A week ago I was in despair as I thought this was a never ending cycle. I now have hope that things will work out.

holding pattern...

I feel like we are spinning our wheels. Stuck in one spot. Not moving forward, and not really going backwards. When I thought we would have a solution to my disease, or at least one that would ease the symptoms and put me into remission, I get told that I am just fat by the head of Neuro Ophthalmology at UCLA. She didn't want to listen, and got stuck on what she saw, and not on what I was saying.

So here we are waiting. Waiting for me to lose wait. For something that I have been trying to do for the last almost year, and what seems impossible at this point. I am trying something different. It can't hurt. Would love to lose weight, that isn't the problem. The problem is, what if I can't. What if I try it the way she wants, and I can't. I can't take the meds. Does that leave me with her other suggestion to just live with it? That doesn't seem to be ok, and if that is the other solution to this, then I want to be able to go back and start trying for a baby again. To me learning to live with it means it isn't life threatening. That it is just there like my asthma, I had to learn to live with it at the age of 2. I learned to live with headaches from a young age. I have learned to live with a lot of things.

To me, learning to live with it, means there is nothing wrong. It is just a nuisance. I know my limits at this point. I want to move on with my life. I want to move on from this holding pattern we have been in, and get on with the next step in my life. I am going to just live with the symptoms of Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension, then let me go on with my plans and dreams for my life. My plans and dreams of being a mom.

God's Amazing Grace

Well, life has gone to hell in a hand basket. I had a wonderful time at the wedding it was beautiful. Aunt Flo did make her presence known though. Oh well. Probably for the best since I am looking at surgery.

I also found out that I am being forced to move to another school location. Not my choice, and it wasn't done professionally well, but I don't have choice, and I am taking the higher ground on this one. I have been listening a lot to Mandisa's Broken Hallelujah. I do feel in some ways that my life seems to be in broken pieces. The dreams never seem to quite come together, but this song uplifts me, gets me going in the morning.

I need to focus on the positives, ask God to forgive those who aren't going to ask me to forgive them. They aren't going to offer an apology. I can't focus on that. I need to forgive them, and move on. I can't wait around for them to realize that what they did was wrong. That it was unprofessional. God's Amazing Grace. He forgives me for my wrong doing, and I can forgive them for theirs without needing them to first ask for it. That was a lesson I learned in college. It was a hard one to swallow, but I learned it, and I forgot it until today. Now to look to the future. To get healthy, and maybe in the next year a healthy baby in our arms.

Rest does a body good....

I had a glorious 10 days off. I definitely needed the rest. I needed it mentally and physically. Now, I am having many symptoms of possibly being pregnant. Who knows. We thought I was last month, and then I wasn't.

A week ago Sunday, I had few things happen to my body. My eczema completely disappeared. My body went into it's own personal summer, and I have been running hot since, and oh and the chest area. It hurts, and it hurts a lot. The whole area, not just part of it. I am still really tired, even more so, and I seem to have gotten my appetite back for the most part. So now I just wait. I wait to see if Aunt Flo comes, and I wait to see if it is the Topamax. I have had some headaches. Those seem to have come back. I also have horrible gas.

I also am progressing in my treatment of the IH. I will see the specialist on April 17th. At the appointment, I believe there will be discussion of which surgery will be best. I am sure by then I will have either gotten Aunt Flo, or have found out that I am pregnant.

All I can say is it is 8:00 am, and I am ready for a nap. this can't be good. I have to talk with parents for two hours today. Oh boy!!

I am a science experiment...

I am a science experiment. That is how I feel. My appointment with the allergist didn't give me answers, it brought more questions. They can't tell if I am allergic to sulfa drugs because I have never taken them. At this point we have to determine if I should just try the drug, or just not try it. I now need to call the ophthalmologist. I am thinking that I may just want to go see the specialist at this point at UCLA. They may be better equipped to handle my case. I don't know.

My father wasn't forth coming with how he reacted to the medication. He does have the blistering reaction to sulfa, as well as does my grandfather. I don't know if that makes a difference. My parents noticed the reaction in my brother before it went beyond hives, and so I we don't know if he does have the syndrome with sulfa drugs as well. So now armed with that information I am going to call the other Dr, and see what he wants to do. In the meantime, I am just one big science experiment.

Tired of being Tired...

I am tired. Tired and sick. I went to bed at 8:30 and woke up at 5:15, and could have probably slept until 10. I have horrible acne all over, not just my face now. I have no clue what is going on with my body. I am hormonal and seem to cry at everything. I don't know if that is because I am tired and run down, or if it is because of hormones.

I do find out today if I am allergic to sulfa. I find out if I can take the drug, and basically what the next step is. Scary thought about the possibilities of surgery, and maybe even putting pregnancy off further. There will tough decisions that might possibly have to be made today or in the next few weeks. Or I might not be allergic to the medication and I will be able to take it, and I will be able to go into full remission.

I pray that either way, I go into full remission soon. The Drs and I make the right choices for what is best, and that God guides the Drs in figuring out what the next steps are.

God's timing...

Last night I had the thoughts that if I had only just not gone to the optometrist for my yearly check-up right now I could possibly be pregnant, and they would be still talking about me having the IH, I would just be pregnant too. Yes, I went that low in my thinking. That is how much I want it, and how depressed I think I am over it. I know that I need to be healthy, but I am frustrated. I feel like I am not getting any better. The headaches are back, I am tired, and it is a struggle to get out of bed every day.

I think the hardest part was that my life plan was to have several kids by now. Be done having them and enjoying life with whatever husband God had planned for me. Well I was married a lot later than I thought I would be, and I am happy that I waited for the perfect guy. I thought we would be happily expecting our first by now, and now I am here with a disease in which I can't even do some of the stuff I used to love to do. The happiest moment of the day is crawling in to bed. It used to be putting on workout clothes or a swimsuit and getting in a workout.

Now I get questions of when are we going to have another one, at least the mom's have stopped asking because they know of my health issues. What I am struggling with is every where I look or go someone is pregnant or there is some sort of pregnancy advertisement. It is like the universe is taunting me. I know that there is a plan, and that it is in God's timing, but I am one seriously impatient person. Did I mention that I am ADHD as well?

stuck in limbo...

What a tough weekend. Felt like I didn't really have one. I essentially worked late on Friday, but it was a blast and didn't mind, and worked Sunday, and again a blast and didn't mind. This last weekend was the marathon, and I got to be there at the end for two students, both 12 years old to finish 26.2 miles. What an accomplishment. Something I haven't ever done, and would love to try, but know that at the moment it isn't physically possible.

Today I woke up with a horrendous migraine. I have had more headaches as of late. I don't think the medication is working any more, and the side effects are worse, and at this point it isn't even doing what it is supposed to be doing. I go to the allergist on Wednesday to find out if I am allergic to the other drug.

I have had weird cramping in the lower abdomen region as well, and have been super sleepy, yet not sleeping well at night again. My clothes are loose again, and I am back to not being able to eat all day until dinner time, and even then it isn't very much.

As I was waiting for the students to come in I was able to have a conversation with a man from another school, and what a blessing. He prayed for me, and blessed me. A perfect stranger. No judgement on his part, in fact understanding, questions, and no offering of what I should do. Just I will keep you in my prayers. God placed in my day yesterday as a way of getting me some church without being in church. Both of us were supposed to be at church, and he said we were at church. Part of being a Christian is being in service to people, and we were providing a service yesterday.

I may not feel well, and I may not have got the rest this weekend that I wanted, but it was worth it. I was there to support teachers and students who were on a journey to see what they were made. They accomplished something that most people can't. That I can't. It was worth it. Now I just need to get through the week. I am Cycle Day 13, having some weird feelings which are most likely due to the topmax, but I just feel like I am in limbo. Many around me with babies, or going to have one, and here I am stuck in limbo with a disease with no cure or cause.

tired....

Yesterday was a long day. We had open house at school, and of course it meant a 12 hour day at work. Now I am so sleepy, and my feet are giving me the same problem they were giving me last weekend. So tennis shoes for me today. The issue is I have to drive myself and the marathon students and teachers to downtown for the marathon expo. Oh well, another long work day, but one more day of work and I will get a whole 10 days off. I can't complain.

What I do wish is that this tiredness, this feeling of unwell is because there is a little one on the way. There is a deep ache because of this not being true, but I will get through this. I have to take it a day at a time, and focus on getting healthy again. I meet with the allergist on Wednesday to discuss the possible allergy issues which will determine the next line of treatment for me.

My positive thought for the day, if my friend who is facing the most trying time of her life with breast cancer can see the positive in her situation, I can be positive about mine. Through God I can get through anything, I have strength in him. I am contanstly reminded of my favorite choir song these days, My life is in his hands, I think I will go listen to it.

this is my life?

What a crazy few months. I have been diagnosed with a rare disease called Intracranial Hypertension. They don't know what causes it, and there isn't a cure. You can go into full remission, and never have another symptom, or you can have symptoms for the rest of your life. It is has been a tough pill to swallow for me. One thing being told that we can't actively try for a baby. This has been hard because one of the things I have always wanted to be is a mom.

It seems that left and right these women around me are announcing that they are pregnant, and here I am suffering through a disease that I don't know what is going to happen next. I am no longer in control. I am not getting any younger either. There are days where I feel defeated. Then there are days where I feel hope. I question why some women are allowed to be mom's, and I am not. I don't understand it most days, of any day. It is hard thing to understand.

So many days lately it is very hard to get out of bed, I am so tired. I don't know if it is the meds they have put me on, or if it is the disease. For the last month we thought I was pregnant. We thought wouldn't it be something. When we are focusing on something else, and it just happens. The topamax has really messed with my system, and my hormones. I was told by the ophthalmologist that I am going to need to come off that med, but that the med they want to give me, Diamox, I may not be able to take because I might be allergic to it. If I can't take that, then I am looking at surgical options at this point.

The hardest part of all of this, watching family and friends add to their family as my husband and I sit by and watch them. We are happy for them, but wish deep down that it was us. We both thought that at this point we were the ones that would be on that path. Instead, with every day that passes and I am not better it seems like that dream is further and further away.

Life can change in a moment...

Wow, my life two weeks ago, almost 3, was completely different. We were preparing to start Clomid, and the thinking was that sometimes in the next few months there would be a baby on the way. Now, it is get through each day the best I/we can and pray that eventually we will be able to go back down the fertility path once I am better.

January 8th, I walked into the optometrist with the thought that I needed a new prescription and all would be fine. What I didn't expect was being told that I needed to see a neurologist right away. I was first told that it might be ms, and then I was told that it might be a brain tumor, and now we know for sure it is Intracranial Hypertension. I had no clue that existed, or what it even was.

Basically my body doesn't absorb any extra spinal fluid, and this causes pressure in my brain, and leaves one with a general feeling of unwell, and often headaches, and in some cases swollen optical nerves like mine. It can lead to blindness if it is not treated. Since the mri showed nothing wrong, it has been a whirlwind of testing. I have had more needles stuck in me than I would ever like, and my life has completely changed. Instead of my life changing in a way that I thought it would at this point, it has gone down a completely different path. I cannot fathom what life will be like, I just don't know and that is scary. It is hard to stay positive when looking at all that we will be dealing with, including medical bills. The one thing I can control, is what I eat. I can control what goes in my mouth, and because of this, following my eating plan has been so much easier. I have lost 10 lbs since the beginning of the year, when I was at my highest at 298.

Supposedly losing weight will help with this disease. It is supposed to help with the swelling, and I hope that it does. I do know it will help with ovulation.

I am so ready to not be tired by the middle of the day. I wish I had the energy to go home and clean and organize, but I don't. Some days cooking is too much. I am grateful, and amazed at the gift God has given me in my husband. He provided him in my life at just the right time, when I was going to need the support and love of someone. He is my strength, as well as God.

I will make it. I can do this. I have faith, but it is going to be a long road to that first baby. Not what I thought it would have been 20 years ago when I was turning 13 and had my life mapped out. In fact it looks nothing like that, but God has a plan, and I will follow where I am told to go.

this can't be my life...

My heart is breaking. Every time I begin to think about what this all means I cry hysterically. If you have ever watched Grey's Anatomy I feel like Christina when I cry. She has some of the best crying scenes in that show, and that is exactly how I am crying. Everything is a blur. It seems as if it is happening to someone else, and then I think about when I stop taking progesterone and get my af, I get to do the count down to ovulation. I was so looking forward to that. I was looking forward to the day I get to do the I am pregnant dance. Peeing on that stick and seeing two lines.

That day is far away now, and may never happen. Let me go back to the beginning. A few months ago I noticed that besides having trouble reading, I was starting to get wavy vision in my left eye. I could see fine in my right, but my left the words seemed to be wavy. I just thought I needed new glasses. I have an astigmatism, and figured that it was that, and I needed to wait until I was eligible to get an exam again in January.

On tuesday, I went to get my eyes checked and was told that I have a swollen optic nerve. She said there was a few causes, one of them being ms. So of course I freaked out over that, but I didn't have any of the other symptoms. So I figured the neurologist wouldn't think it was any major. I went to see the neurologist yesterday, and now I have to go for a mdi, mrv and a mra to see if it is a brain tumor or something to with the blood vessels. The dr is saying the brain tumor is more likely. It could even be that pesky pituitary tumor back now and growing. Then told me that I couldn't actively try to get pregnant. Absolutely no clomid, nothing. This is where my heart breaks. It it is a pituitary tumor, there is surgery involved to remove it, and radiation. I know the treatment if it has grown.

Sometimes I hate knowing. I hate being the intelligent person who arms themselves with information. Because that is what I did when I was first diagnosed. I know what I am facing, and with that I am scared to death that I will never be able to have children. I can't even not cry without thinking about what is going to happen.The next two to three weeks of my life is limbo. I am stuck in a spot where I don't know what the future is. Everything lies on this diagnosis, and it could take longer than that. I have a hard time handling that. I have a hard time not knowing what is going to happen at least in the nest 6 months. I was that 13 year old who had her life planned out for the next 20 years. I knew what college, what I was going to study, what job I was going to do, when I was going to have a family. And now, everything that 13 year old girl had planned didn't happen, and the one biggest thing I ever wanted or dreamed about, may never happen. I feel like I am living someone else's life. Amazing how an hour can just change everything.

I am so thankful that I have found the low gylcemic diet. It at least gives me some control over what is going on. Instead of not eating, or just eating everything in sight. I am controlling that. Thank God that I had planned out the week with my lunches. That I had the presence of mind to go and make sure I had everything. I just roboticly packed what I was supposed to take last night, had one last snack, and went to bed. I thank God that I had a good night of sleep once I did fall asleep. I just need to keep moving, even it is through the monitions. Get through the day, and the next. It is only by the strength of God that I am.

My prayer today, God give me the strength to get through the day. Help me to forget about it for at least a little bit. Heal me, and have a diagnosis quickly, and provide that one thing I ask, that someday I will be able to have a baby.

God's blessing pour out...

I am amazed at the many blessings I have received. I have never once been wanting for home, food, or shelter. I have truly had a blessed life. After reading my dear friend's autobiography essay she wrote for college recently, I sit and reflect on my life. We were both in college at the same time, we were both focused on finishing in the next couple of years. Both looking forward to getting out of the situations we were in with our families. And yet our paths went two different directions.

Mine, I went on to transfer and finish my BA, then a teaching credential, and then a master's. I have had almost stable employment since finishing my credential, although that doesn't mean it has been the best of times. She had to drop out. She had to fight to even finish her AA, and has gone from minimum wage job to minimum wage job. She was almost homeless. She still is. She was recently in a car accident that totaled her car, keeps her from working, and with the need of health care she can't afford. Yet in ways she has a more positive attitude about her life than I do sometimes. She doesn't let her circumstances keep her from accomplishing what she wants to. Yes it may take her longer than she thinks it will, and yes there have and will be many more hurdles, but she just keeps on pushing.

I want that resilience. I want to be able to just keep on trucking. I have learned so much in the last week as I have helped her to get the medical care she needs. She gives so much of herself, any way that she can to others who are in need. She is in need herself, yet she is so selfless. She truly is a reflection of God. With that said, through her I can see how to be strong. I can see that it is okay to be upset at times at the circumstances thrown in path.

I can also see the God blesses in ways that we may not begin to understand or want. He gives us exactly what we need at that time. With that I have begun to see the many blessings in my life lately. I was given a doctor who is the perfect person to help us on this journey to become parents. Once I felt that I could share my story, I no longer was alone on this journey with my husband who didn't quite understand my health concerns, I had wonderful family and friends who have had similar experiences who have shared with me what worked or didn't work, but most of all have been supportive. I don't have a mother who I can really go to about this. Every time I try to talk to her about she walks away, or starts talking about something else. I wish I had that relationship with her, but I never will. I see that, I recognize that, and have set boundaries for how she can treat me. Maybe one day there can bet rue healing, but until then I understand and accept what it is.

I am blessed with a wonderful group of woman on babycenter.com who have shared with me their struggles at the moment, and who are there, and wholely understand the issues I am facing. When I am down, they are there to be the positive ray of sunshine in my day, and have helped me to keep going as the days, weeks have gone on.

I have been blessed with finding books on my exact problems with PCOS, and given a way to have some sense of control of my health and weight. I am finding that I really do love these foods, that I am full when I should be, and I don't have this constant craving for sugary things. I love it, and I love feeling in control. With all the other emotional aspects, and the often feeling out of control of my own fate, this eating plan has given me something that I can control, and the knowledge that I am doing something good to help the ovulating issue.

I really, truly can't wait to see the other blessings that God has in store for me this year.

the joy of the lord is my strength....also my continuing work in the PCOS workbook.

Ch2 PCOS WOrkbook

Too much protein will increase ovulatory infertility, but eggs, dairy, and fish were found to increase fertility.

Things I can do to add omega-3:

flaxseed into my oatmeal or yogurt?
eat more salads with tuna instead of chicken
take a fish oil supplement (does my prenatal count?)
eat more eggs. If I hard boil them right, they aren't too bad.

Protein rich snacks to help keep me statisfied:
greek yogurt
jerky?
almonds
cashews
apples and pb

eat carb containing foods evenly throughout the day. Eat every 3-5 hours.

Ch 3 Pcos Workbook

Sugar should not be about half of the carbs in a food. Too much sugar to carb ratio means insulin levels will go up.

When choosing bread, ask yourself these three questions:
1. Does the first ingredient say 'whole'?
2. Does the food have more grams of fiber than its counterparts?
3. Does the food have the least amount of sugar compared to its counterparts?
If the answer is yes to all three, then buy it

What I want to try:
flaxseed in yogurt or oatmeal.
air-popped popcorn
whole grain pasta

The most difficult challenges to eating out is the bread and chips. I love chips and salsa, and love love the garlic bread.

Helpful strategies for eating out: Don't have the bread basket at the table. Ask for a to go box when they deliver your meal. Stop, pause, think about if you are full. Check in periodically with yourself as you eat. At least half your plate should be veggie (non-starchy). 1/4 protein, 1/4 carbs. Take a drink between bites.

Sample day of meals:
Breakfast (6:30)--oatmeal with almonds, coffee with milk, banana

Lunch (10:30)-- vegetable soup, apples with pb

Snack (1:30)--greek yogurt with flax seed , grapes

Dinner (4:30)-- chicken with whole wheat pasta (tomatoes and olives, oil)

Snack (7:30)--cottage cheese with berries

Could I follow this plan? Of course it won't be the same every day, but something like it I could do. Difficulties is my work schedule as I don't get many breaks, but will eat these healthy foods in front of kids. My goal is to have good stuff at work readily available, so I won't be tempted to eat what is in the workroom. I need to think about the meals the day before, so in the morning I just have to pack for the next day, and not feel rushed in the morning.

My thoughts this morning as I drove to work: I feel good. I feel good about myself. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I also thought that even if I the number on the scale doesn't go down, I am okay with that because I am full when I eat now, and I just feel better. My clothes are also fitting better already. I don't need to see the number go down to know that I have already made significant strides in self-esteem and self-image. I think it all comes back to having control over PCOS.

For months I had been praying fervently to God, asking him to provide a baby for us. In fact yesterday, I was crying in church, as I heard that a young adult's best friend is missing (reminding me of a time 10 years ago as we searched for a friend and the search ended in finding her body), and hearing that a good friend, no she is just like family, has breast cancer, and will be having a double mastectomy tomorrow. I realized that my problems aren't so bad, and that there is something I can do. In these other situations, we pray that God will provide, but it is a hurry up and wait situation, and I know how that young adult feels. So an answer was provided to me. Continue to eat the low gi, it is making me feel good, and it gives me control over my situation. God knows too well that I have control issues. So this morning, even after a night of more crazy dreams, even one in which I panicked thinking I slept well past my alarm, I didn't drag. I got ready and left, even putting on make-up and doing my hair. I feel so good about myself today. My clothes fit so much better. This is all after just a few days. This is what I can do to help myself, and the rest I will leave to God and the Drs.

My secret sister sent me this verse: "The joy of the LORD is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10. God is my strength, and in him I can do anything.

Dr's results....

So the last two days, I have been trying to follow as close as I can the low gi diet, while counting points as well to make sure I am not over eating. It was a little harder the last two days as we didn't have much in the house except chips, snacky things, and sugary dessert stuff.

We went to target today, and I got yummy veggies, fruit, a new salad dressing, lots of good stuff to make dinners and snack soup for next week. I am also going to try to not take frozen foods for lunch either. When we got home, I made myself a salad with tuna, sliced almonds, and the new dressing. It was yummy and filling, and I followed it with cottage cheese with blueberries and blackberries.

After just a few days I feel better. Not as moody, and when the doctor told me the hcg test was negative and he was going to get my Aunt Flo going, instead of being upset, I was ok. In fact, I was excited, but bummed that it could be 10 more days. I have never been so anxious for her to get here, but the sooner she is here, the sooner I can start taking the clomid, and we can start trying for a baby.

I am excited, and I am in a better place. I now have answers for how I am feeling and what is going on with my body, and there is a way to fix it. Can't wait to see the results, and what God has in store for us.

My first part of working my way through PCOS book....

PCOS WB Ch 1

Questions:

Do I have PCOS?

What exactly is it? Endocrine disorder. Increase in insulin gives you a spare tire (above belly button giving you a spare tire look, I think I have two spare tires. above and bellow). Skin tags (definitely have had a lot more of those). Strong cravings for sweets. Hypoglycemia (hunger, fatigue, nausea, shakiness, dizziness, headaches)–had all of these in the last few months.

When insulin levels are higher, more androgens produced, less female hormones. Increase in LH, not FSH. Cysts results of hormonal imbalance. Can cause absences of periods, or irregular cycles. Can bleed heavily.

Can I control it without taking metformin? Metformin helps with increasing ovulation (do i need it?)

What is hemophilic cyst?

Will a low gi diet help? Stay away from refined sugar. More small balanced meals. Higher protein. Changing you eating patterns can reduce your insulin and androgen levels, increase ovulation. Limit carb intake to one to three servings per meal (15-45 grams). Eating simple carbs worsens PCOS. Eat whole grains. Limit refined carbs (once or twice a week).

Favorite Refined Simple Carbs: Chips, candy, soda, white bread, everything sweet!! Pizza
Whole grains improve insulin resistance by slowing the erase of glucose.
enjoy eating: oatmeal, the whole grain breads from Costco
should be 100% of your grain choices, but spread them out over the day. One to three servings at each meal/snack. Combine protein with them.
Avoid juice and fruit syrup.
Limit fruit to one or two servings per meal. May want to eat with protein or fats. One banana is two fruit servings. I usually get 1 to 2 servings a day of fruit. Lately it hasn't been any. Need to add fruit back in. One reason I don't eat a lot of fruit is that I am allergic to citrus. I do need to start eating grapes, apples, and bananas more. Should do the Cinnamon apples again. I like that as a treat. Can eat more fruit with cottage cheese. Maybe even have oatmeal in mornings instead of zone bars with fruit and nuts added in. Make smoothies with fruit? Even berries with my yogurt would be good. NEED TO BUY IT!!!

Vegetables: Need to eat up to three non-starchy vegetables a day. I rarely eat vegetables. I am not a big fan of them. I need to make at least one vegetable for every dinner. No more eating fries or baked beans. I need to make sure I have green beans or broccoli, or some other non-starchy vegetable prepared in a way that I will want to eat them. Good thing for me is that corn and peas of starchy vegetables and shouldn't really be eating them. I need to find ways to make the vegetables more appealing. Even having salads on a regular basis, with dressing I like would be better than nothing at all. WW veggie soup would be a good idea too. Carrots with hummus. Half my dinner plate needs to be veggies.

legumes: Limit them, but in moderation they are good for you. Should have black beans on hand (I love them!!) Black Bean dip for veggies. Hummus is really yummy too!!

milk-Don't have milk with other carbs. Drink with proteins and instead of carbs. Need to consider 1-2 servings of full fat milk products (increases fertility). Once pregnant switch back. It definitely won't be drinking whole milk, yuck!

Happy New year...

The beginning of a new year often means a fresh start for many people. They make promises or resolutions, many of which are not kept. In weight watchers, we know to show up a little bit earlier in the first few weeks because many people show up having made a resolution to lose weight. Many don't stick with it, or any of the other resolutions we have made. I for one never make a resolution. I don't like the idea. What I want to do is have a blessings jar for the new year. I want to write down all the good things that happen in the year, and on new years eve I want to sit down and look back on all the good things of the year.

With this year, I hope that it brings a new addition to the family. I hope that by the end of year there is a little one in our arms. I hope and pray that we are provided that little miracle. I am also so thankful for the wonderful godly women put into my life who have had similar experiences as me. To be clear, the Dr never said I had PCOS. He never used those words, but as I conversed with these women over the last few days, and by doing some reading, I have come to realize that it is exactly what I have. It is complicated by the Prolactinoma I had, but everything has been made clear as I was reading. I downloaded the The PCOS Workbook: your guide to complete physical and emotional health, and boy was the first chapter eye opening. I will post later my thoughts as I work through this book, but as I read, I was like, Yep that is me. Wow that is me.

So I am going to try a low glycemic index diet with my weight watchers plan. I am going to still count my points, still watch portions (because that is what WW is really about), but I am going to also limit the carbs. I am going to stick to the more complex carbs, eat more proteins, fruits, and vegetables. I am going to eat more whole foods versus processed foods. More water instead of soda. Just in general be more healthy than I am at the moment. It can't hurt, it can only help, and with this book and information, I now know the right questions to ask.