gastric bypass or not to bypass?

I have wrote this post, and then decided not to post it because it just didn’t felt right, and then have restarted so many times. There are so many feelings and thoughts going through my head at the moment, and it is hard to put it into words in my post.

Facebook has been a barrage of pregnancy announcements. Some I am over the roof for, others just make me feel worse, and in some ways I have started to pity myself. I know that I am on the road to better things. I feel amazing, and haven’t felt this way in a long time. I am bogged down with 3 weeks of work that had to be graded in 5 days to do report cards, so a lot of stress involved. I only really started to get exhausted this week today. Usually tuesday was the first day in the week I could barely get out of bed to go to work. Pain is a non factor at this point, but the whole shooting pains in my hooha from the tubing is killer every once in a while (and something they don’t mention to you). When you feel hopeless, like things aren’t going to happen like you want and have dreamed and hoped for your whole life, it is hard to get out of that dark place.

Infertility is truly a grieving process. One in which you think you have made it through and then you are pulled back into those dark depths again. So here I am, watching everyone have their happy moments from a far. This isn’t to say that I am not happy with my current life, but there is just that something missing. My husband tells me all the time, he loves me no matter what. That is comforting, but still just that something that is missing.

So with all of that in mind, I went to an information meeting on bariatric surgery. Up until a month ago I would never have considered it. It wasn’t for me, but my Dr said something that made me really think, and then look up the research. She was of the same mind as me, she said no way am I going to let you do that. I had 3 Dr’s saying no bariatric surgery wasn’t the answer, 3 that did. Finally all agreed to eye-sight saving surgery to place a shunt with me willing to talk to a Dr about bariatric surgery. I said yes just so the Dr would do the surgery. All he said was I had to consider it, I did, and was dead set against it. Then Dr S said that she has been researching on how to help my fertility issues without needing drugs and Dr’s I couldn’t afford and insurance wouldn’t cover. What could we do to get my body to work right again. Losing weight is one, but with my thyroid and pituitary not working right due to the pressure in my brain, and PCOS, losing weight was a losing battle. I was already not really able to eat due to the nausea caused by headaches and the bad eyesight.

I feel like I am on an endless cycle of some eating disorder I can’t kick. I go from hardly eating for a few days to being so hungry I eat everything in sight. It has been a struggle, and one in which 15 lbs up and down is my story. So here I am talking with her about what she has researched and she says I think we should consider bariatric surgery. Dr S is the one Dr I trust. She knows me, she has been there every step of my adult life that I have struggled through. She is another mom to me. She listens, takes her time, and gets excited at all the successes in my life. She worries when I am too sick to get through daily life. She is the best Dr anyone can have. So when Dr S says bariatric surgery will reverse the PCOS at least long enough to get me pregnant. So I ran home did my research, and sure enough it does. That it is a procedure they use to treat PCOS. No one, not even the RE mentioned this to me before. Had they, maybe I would have done this last summer, but I can’t do the what ifs, that is another dark path.

So monday, my husband and I head out to Ventura to meet with the Dr. Have In-n-Out on the way (I know, fast food on the way to talk about bariatric surgery). Dr. B was funny, kept it light, and was extremely informative. I walked away with hope. With the idea that in June, I will have the surgery, and by this time next year or by June, I could be pregnant, or preparing to do so, and that my body will work right. Hope is amazing, it makes the world brighter, and makes it easy to get through anything. I had lost it. I had been wondering why me? Why do I have to deal with all of this?

What I am learning? Nothing happens when I want it to happen. I thought I would get married right out of college, didn’t find my soulmate until I was 30, when I had figured I would have already had my complete family by. So it makes sense that having kids is taking a little longer as well.

So in the meantime, I am going to enjoy life. Get that grading done, and really enjoy that I am getting my life back from the clutches of IIH. Can’t wait to see what is in store for the future.