I will survive....

I have been absent for several days now from here. I have been barely surviving. Barely surviving in many ways. I started back in a classroom full time. No more pool subbing for me, but it means that I didn’t have the time to bring things in and put them away. I had to not only lesson plan, organize the classroom, but also prepare for when I am going to be gone for two weeks.

3 weeks from today I will be having a LP programmable shunt placed. In the meantime, I am getting 10,000 plus steps in a day running around the classroom (my teaching style is to be everywhere in the classroom, even the kids every where in the class) and running around a campus that is at least a mile wide or at least it seems that way. Spent an afternoon unpacking and cleaning with my mom while making sure the rambunctious 14 month old doesn’t get into anything he isn’t supposed to (my nephew is with us for four weeks, thank goodness he is with my mom most of the time), and the only thing I can do is come home and sleep and relax. So that means that baby making thoughts aren’t really there.

The reality is that I can’t be pregnant until after my surgery. Not that it would happen right. We have spent almost two years without anything looking like a positive on a test. I have even been told I just don’t ovulate unless of course I taking medicine that we can’t afford because insurance won’t pay for it. So at this point there isn’t really hope, but that doesn’t make me immune to those pregnancy announcements. Here is where the other barely surviving part comes in. One friend has been complaining about pregnancy related things, another announced they are having their third boy, and another announced they are having a baby and gender at same time by having their son hold an ultrasound picture. That last one made me cry instantly. Like my SIL, they will be close in age with each other. In the time we have tried to have a baby they will have had two.

On top of that someone I work with started asking me all about Foster care. I don’t need to be reminded that we aren’t able to do that right now either. That we have had to put off because of this stupid disease. So foster/adopt is off the table. Go on CNN and I am reminded through an article about women should stop waiting to have children in their 30s because of all the infertility things you have to deal with and the chances of defects are higher. Thanks CNN for telling me I have waited too long. So it has been one after the other.

Although last night I had a dream. I had a dream that this random minister came up to me sometime in the next week or so, anointed me with oil and prayed for my surgery to be successful at that after I will get pregnant quickly. Hey, that is a great dream. I believe in messages being sent through dreams from God. I often think it is how he talks to me. Shows me things I worry about. So I woke up refreshed, and not so depressed. I just have to get through today, my excruciating back pain has eased to a dull ache. I can do this.

The countdown is on, in three weeks I will be having a surgery that could change my life. I am down 9 lbs with the metformin and watching calories, and I truly believe that maybe, just maybe we have an answer to prayers and more answers and blessings are to come.

In the words of a teacher at my school, “Welcome Home.” That is what this week has been, a homecoming to a school where we are all may be beaten down by the school district and media, but we stand together to make a difference, and I was welcomed back with open arms and finally feel like where I should be for now. I got my change, I didn’t like it, and I am back making a difference in a community that needs it.

LP shunt

Although I wanted to throat punch the sample lady at costco who was trying to force huggies samples on me because I apparently looked like I needed them....

That was the start to the post I was going to do yesterday. I was going to tell you how it looked like we were moving forward on the foster adopt. That I was managing my Intracranial Hypertension. So I figured the neurosurgery appointment today was, "Let's wait and see what happens." Nope that wasn't the outcome. It was you are going to have an LP shunt. So that means foster/adopt moves back some, and it means that we are going to have to figure out how to pay bills in when I am forced to be home for two weeks.

So this is a pray that it works and that God provides type of situation. In a way I am ok with it, I feel like I finally have an answer. A solution that while it won't cure me, will hopefully help to save my vision and I can move on with my life.

In the meantime, I get to spend 4 glorious weeks with the cutie patootie that is my nephew while his parents go on a trip that I am totally jealous about to the opposite side of the world.

If you get a chance feel free to visit: https://www.jewelryincandles.com/store/tracyford. Need to raise as much money as possible to pay for medical bills.

To baby talk or not to baby talk? That is the teary answer....

Why is that talking about babies with some people is like tearing your heart out, but around certain people you can do it without even shedding a tear? When it comes to baby talk certain people make me just cry like crazy. I am upset, do the pity why me stuff, and just don’t want to be around them in general.

Today I was hesitant to go out with some of my very good girlfriends. They both are moms of two cute girls. They share something that I don’t, and neither one really truly understand what I am going through. They have given me the just relax, maybe this so and so will work. So I was hesitant. I woke up thinking I should have just come up with an excuse to not be there. Besides what is the fun of having a rare brain disease other than to use it to get out of going to things you don’t want to be at, or doing things you don’t want to do. Anyway, I still got up, took shower and got dressed, the whole time thinking why I am I doing this on the last friday of my vacation. I should stay home and do nothing.

Nope, I went down stairs took my thyroid meds, and then made breakfast all while having the worst muscle spasm in the middle of my back. I could barely breath without it being painful. That would have been a good excuse, I can’t move because of my back. Nope, got ready, left early to stop and get the metformin I am supposed to start today, and drove all the way there.

I dreaded spending the day with them. I dreaded eating and then walking the mall. Instead, I enjoyed myself. I didn’t freak at how many calories was in something, I just went with something sensibly priced and fit in with my calories. I didn’t use food to overcompensate because it just felt right to be there with them. We caught up, gossiped, talked about babies (got to brag a little about my adorable nephew), talked about my medical concerns, about theirs, and realized that they really are trying to understand what I am going through. They get it. They may not ever have to face it, but they get it. There was no more what if you do this or just relax, it was is there a way to pay for IVF. It was, I agree paying that much (or in our case taking out a loan) for something that has a low success rate just isn’t something they would do either. They understood because she asked, “Do you mind if we go look at baby stuff?” Those are true friends.

They allowed me to share without judgement. We talked about anything and everything. They listened and offered support. Today was exactly what I needed. Guess what, walking into the baby section wasn’t so bad today. Walking the mall wasn’t so bad today. Did I have my bad moments went I could feel physically it was becoming too much? You bet, but I pushed on. I made it, and I had a great time with friends I never get to see any more. Today gave me a little hope that one day wether it is by pregnancy or foster/adopt we will have a little one. Just have to wait a little longer, that is the hard part.
So thank you to my friends, two wonderful women who unknowingly helped me today and showed me the true meaning of friendship.

My goals for 2014

Yesterdays Dr appointment went well. I am now on metformin, hope this helps even if I am not as insulin resistant as they would like for that med. I will take anything that will put my hormones into some normalcy. Talking with Dr, I really need to just focus on myself. Making sure I stay healthy.

I am grateful that I have been mostly headache free for the last month. I am grateful for a supportive husband. I am grateful that while my disease could be a lot worse, I seem to have a much easier time than most. I am grateful for a loving family that understands what I am going through and willing to help. There may have been some tough spots through which I have gone with some of my family, but they are there and supportive.

So my focus for 2014, get healthier and stay healthy. I am going to focus on me. No getting on myself because I didn’t lose weight that week. I will accept the mistakes and set backs, and eat healthy no matter what. Even if it doesn’t show on the scale. While wanting to be a mommy is my ultimate goal and dream, I need to really accept that this moment doesn’t seem to be the right one.

I have recontacted the foster agency, Children’s Bureau. I am hoping that we can go back to the training to become foster/adopt parents. We were planning on doing that at some point, it just may be that we do this first, and have baby later. There are so many wonderful children out there that need loving families. Believe it or not, in the Los Angeles area there are a lot of newborns in need of families. We may not get to keep them, and get our forever baby, but along the way we get to love children who have family that can’t at that moment, and we are involved in a process that creates safe, permanent homes for them.

Let me encourage you to look into Fostering wether or not you are already parents, have grown children, or aren't parents yet. There are so many children who need a loving, supportive home with strong role models.

Fertility Fundraising ideas...

Today is my wonderful Husband’s birthday. He is has been so strong through all of this. He has watched me go crazy on clomid, and then cry enormous amounts of tears when it wasn’t our month to see that BFP on the stick or Beta test. He is amazing and will make a great father one day. Hopefully sooner than later.

So today I will cook and bake something special, but in the meantime I need to find ways to save money. Between medical bills and those pesky furlough days the school district forced on us employees, the money is tight. Seems like we are always catching up. Of course the thousands I have probably put into pregnancy tests only to see one line every time doesn’t seem to help either. I can’t resist a good pee on the stick, although I think it is making me a little nuts. It is a test after all, and I was a gifted student, so it is only natural that I feel like a total failure that I can’t get that “A” I so desperately want. The “A” being that I see two lines instead of one. I got a 4.0 GPA in my Master’s Program (was only one that did) so why is it that I can’t seem to get a stinking second line on a test.

Oh well I digress, so I have been thinking of ways to raise some extra money. Getting a second part time job really isn’t in the cards for me. With my IIH, I need to have the least amount of stress as possible on my body. Teaching is already like two full time jobs as it is. So I have decided to sell candles from home. While they are a little back logged on getting candles out, they are getting caught up. Visit my site here https://www.jewelryincandles.com/store/tracyford .  I have also looked into pimping out our car, I mean driving around with advertising on it. Hey you get a free car wash on top of the money they pay you. I will continue to rack my brain for other ways to come up with extra cash. This is what I have so far.

Now I need to get back to cooking so I can go sit at Dr's this afternoon while they try to work me in. I am being put on metformin to help the pcos.

Am I strong?

“Wow, you are so strong?” Am I? I don’t feel that way. I feel broken. Why do I have to go through this? Why is it that there are people in this world who shouldn’t be parents or aren’t ready to be parents become parents, when I would make a great mother and can’t be one without medical help? Medical help that I can’t even get because while PCOS is a medical condition, in the fertility sense it is not, and therefor not covered by insurance because I am electing to go that route. My body doesn’t ovulate on it’s own, but if I want birth control (which there isn’t a need for it if my body essentially is doing that itself) then they would be happy to help with that. I am pregnant and don’t want to be, they would be more than happy to pay for that, but if I want to get pregnant, sorry they won’t help with that.

In this sense I feel broken. I can’t give my husband the one thing that he has always wanted to be. I can’t be that one thing I have always wanted to be. No matter what foods I do or don’t eat, no matter how much or little exercise I do, it won’t help me. So how can I be strong? Is it because I have so much to face? I have severe PCOS, I have a rare brain disease, and with both I am dealing with a lot medically. A lot of tests, visits to Dr’s and possible surgeries. Does this make me strong?

All I know is that I get through every day with prayer. That God is working in my life somehow and that there is a meaning for all of this. I can only know that I will persevere and somehow I will find a way to be happy and to work through all of this. I just have to be patient and keep praying that my prayers will be answered. Find the good in every day.

My good: No headache since the beginning of December other than a few mild ones. Nothing like the previous three months in which I thought my head would explode.

Is it Taboo?

Ever have an awkward Trying to Conceive moment? Ever walk down the aisle, you know the one in where the pregnancy tests are right next to the condoms. I happened to go shop at the local Target. I wasn’t planning on getting the tests, I would if I didn’t see my BIL there. I checked on the way in, and I checked again after I got everything else I needed. I went okay he isn’t here, so I will casually walk over to the aisle and grab a test quickly off the shelf, and pray that no one I know sees me. As I walk down the aisle, my BIL walks past. I was so freaked out, we talked briefly and he went over to the employee room. I quickly grabbed a box, and practically ran to the cash register hoping it didn’t look like I was making a run for it. All the while praying that he stays in the room long enough that I can check out and leave.

Yep that sums up the process. You don’t want to talk about it with anyone because you don’t want to jinx it. You don’t want to talk because you are embarrassed that your body doesn’t work like it is supposed to. You don’t talk about it because you don’t want to hear whatever advice people have for you. You don’t talk because you don’t want to make it real that there are issues.

Then you sit there having questions about certain things. Why do you feel this or that? Yet, you can’t because you don’t want people to know, you want to keep things quiet. You try to google, which can I say is the worst possible thing to do. You end up thinking you have yellow spotted fever or cancer. Really, today I googled symptoms and the the search gave me links to cancer symptoms.

This is why I am airing our issues. More people need to talk about infertility. There is something wrong when insurance will cover birth control and abortions, but not the opposite of those medical issues. That we as a society fight for women’s reproductive rights, but that to many means only the woman’s right to choose birth control and abortions, not the other side of choosing. This is why it needs to be talked about openly. So that many of us don’t feel like we are alone, and for others to understand what is like to be in our shoes.

Feel free to leave a comment about your experiences.

The grieving process of infertility....

It has been a long time. A lot has happened. Even though I have never been pregnant that I know of, I am still in a grieving process. Every little thing hurts. Seeing a SIL who is pregnant again and doesn’t seem to understand that you are happy but can’t handle the complaints. Seeing fb friends who talk about every little “first” since they found out. Going out and seeing women all around who are pregnant. Seriously, you are TTC and all of a sudden every women around your age is having children. Although I am sure that this isn’t an increase in pregnancy, just I notice it more.

People ask all the time when are you going to have children. It takes everything I can to not run away crying. They don’t understand the heartache. They don’t understand the that was supposed to be my due date and I can’t handle your news right now.

In September, my RE decided that I would have to pay in full. They no longer would bill my insurance. With that told to us, all my hope for ever getting pregnant disappeared. With my PCOS, I don’t ovulate on my own, or if I do it is rarely. I cried for days, and at the littlest thing. Right as I found this out, my Brother sends me a text with an ultrasound picture. Needless to say I was devastated. I was happy for them. Many people just don’t understand that. I am happy that I will have a new little nephew, but if my clomid cycle had been successful my SIL had the exact same due date. Then to find out it was whoops made it even more devastating for me.

I had read somewhere that infertility is a grieving process. I always had a faint thought that I would have trouble. I had a pituitary tumor a few years ago. I was told that with the PCOS and the tumor it would be hard to conceive. That all they needed to do was give me some meds. Turns out it isn’t that simple. With a Brain Disease diagnosis and an insurance that won’t pay for anything fertility wise even though you have a medical condition causing the problems. I have had to grieve over the idea that I won’t ever be able to have children. Never get to experience that.

Right around this time my vision and headaches were getting worse. We thought that I was going to have to have a shunt, but that I would have the surgery soon, and we would proceed with foster adopting, and then we had issues with that, and surgery was being put off, and I was in a lot of pain. So my depression got worse. I have been struggling to get through the day. Every day something reminding me of what a total failure I was at becoming a mother.

I think I have gotten close to the acceptance phase. Maybe even gotten a little hope that back that a miracle might happen. I was reminded at Christmas that it does happen. That it just may not be when I want it to, but that someday I will be a mom. It doesn’t mean that I don’t cry when I see or hear certain things, but I will get through this. God has a plan, I am just a little impatient.