Life can change in a moment...

Wow, my life two weeks ago, almost 3, was completely different. We were preparing to start Clomid, and the thinking was that sometimes in the next few months there would be a baby on the way. Now, it is get through each day the best I/we can and pray that eventually we will be able to go back down the fertility path once I am better.

January 8th, I walked into the optometrist with the thought that I needed a new prescription and all would be fine. What I didn't expect was being told that I needed to see a neurologist right away. I was first told that it might be ms, and then I was told that it might be a brain tumor, and now we know for sure it is Intracranial Hypertension. I had no clue that existed, or what it even was.

Basically my body doesn't absorb any extra spinal fluid, and this causes pressure in my brain, and leaves one with a general feeling of unwell, and often headaches, and in some cases swollen optical nerves like mine. It can lead to blindness if it is not treated. Since the mri showed nothing wrong, it has been a whirlwind of testing. I have had more needles stuck in me than I would ever like, and my life has completely changed. Instead of my life changing in a way that I thought it would at this point, it has gone down a completely different path. I cannot fathom what life will be like, I just don't know and that is scary. It is hard to stay positive when looking at all that we will be dealing with, including medical bills. The one thing I can control, is what I eat. I can control what goes in my mouth, and because of this, following my eating plan has been so much easier. I have lost 10 lbs since the beginning of the year, when I was at my highest at 298.

Supposedly losing weight will help with this disease. It is supposed to help with the swelling, and I hope that it does. I do know it will help with ovulation.

I am so ready to not be tired by the middle of the day. I wish I had the energy to go home and clean and organize, but I don't. Some days cooking is too much. I am grateful, and amazed at the gift God has given me in my husband. He provided him in my life at just the right time, when I was going to need the support and love of someone. He is my strength, as well as God.

I will make it. I can do this. I have faith, but it is going to be a long road to that first baby. Not what I thought it would have been 20 years ago when I was turning 13 and had my life mapped out. In fact it looks nothing like that, but God has a plan, and I will follow where I am told to go.

this can't be my life...

My heart is breaking. Every time I begin to think about what this all means I cry hysterically. If you have ever watched Grey's Anatomy I feel like Christina when I cry. She has some of the best crying scenes in that show, and that is exactly how I am crying. Everything is a blur. It seems as if it is happening to someone else, and then I think about when I stop taking progesterone and get my af, I get to do the count down to ovulation. I was so looking forward to that. I was looking forward to the day I get to do the I am pregnant dance. Peeing on that stick and seeing two lines.

That day is far away now, and may never happen. Let me go back to the beginning. A few months ago I noticed that besides having trouble reading, I was starting to get wavy vision in my left eye. I could see fine in my right, but my left the words seemed to be wavy. I just thought I needed new glasses. I have an astigmatism, and figured that it was that, and I needed to wait until I was eligible to get an exam again in January.

On tuesday, I went to get my eyes checked and was told that I have a swollen optic nerve. She said there was a few causes, one of them being ms. So of course I freaked out over that, but I didn't have any of the other symptoms. So I figured the neurologist wouldn't think it was any major. I went to see the neurologist yesterday, and now I have to go for a mdi, mrv and a mra to see if it is a brain tumor or something to with the blood vessels. The dr is saying the brain tumor is more likely. It could even be that pesky pituitary tumor back now and growing. Then told me that I couldn't actively try to get pregnant. Absolutely no clomid, nothing. This is where my heart breaks. It it is a pituitary tumor, there is surgery involved to remove it, and radiation. I know the treatment if it has grown.

Sometimes I hate knowing. I hate being the intelligent person who arms themselves with information. Because that is what I did when I was first diagnosed. I know what I am facing, and with that I am scared to death that I will never be able to have children. I can't even not cry without thinking about what is going to happen.The next two to three weeks of my life is limbo. I am stuck in a spot where I don't know what the future is. Everything lies on this diagnosis, and it could take longer than that. I have a hard time handling that. I have a hard time not knowing what is going to happen at least in the nest 6 months. I was that 13 year old who had her life planned out for the next 20 years. I knew what college, what I was going to study, what job I was going to do, when I was going to have a family. And now, everything that 13 year old girl had planned didn't happen, and the one biggest thing I ever wanted or dreamed about, may never happen. I feel like I am living someone else's life. Amazing how an hour can just change everything.

I am so thankful that I have found the low gylcemic diet. It at least gives me some control over what is going on. Instead of not eating, or just eating everything in sight. I am controlling that. Thank God that I had planned out the week with my lunches. That I had the presence of mind to go and make sure I had everything. I just roboticly packed what I was supposed to take last night, had one last snack, and went to bed. I thank God that I had a good night of sleep once I did fall asleep. I just need to keep moving, even it is through the monitions. Get through the day, and the next. It is only by the strength of God that I am.

My prayer today, God give me the strength to get through the day. Help me to forget about it for at least a little bit. Heal me, and have a diagnosis quickly, and provide that one thing I ask, that someday I will be able to have a baby.

God's blessing pour out...

I am amazed at the many blessings I have received. I have never once been wanting for home, food, or shelter. I have truly had a blessed life. After reading my dear friend's autobiography essay she wrote for college recently, I sit and reflect on my life. We were both in college at the same time, we were both focused on finishing in the next couple of years. Both looking forward to getting out of the situations we were in with our families. And yet our paths went two different directions.

Mine, I went on to transfer and finish my BA, then a teaching credential, and then a master's. I have had almost stable employment since finishing my credential, although that doesn't mean it has been the best of times. She had to drop out. She had to fight to even finish her AA, and has gone from minimum wage job to minimum wage job. She was almost homeless. She still is. She was recently in a car accident that totaled her car, keeps her from working, and with the need of health care she can't afford. Yet in ways she has a more positive attitude about her life than I do sometimes. She doesn't let her circumstances keep her from accomplishing what she wants to. Yes it may take her longer than she thinks it will, and yes there have and will be many more hurdles, but she just keeps on pushing.

I want that resilience. I want to be able to just keep on trucking. I have learned so much in the last week as I have helped her to get the medical care she needs. She gives so much of herself, any way that she can to others who are in need. She is in need herself, yet she is so selfless. She truly is a reflection of God. With that said, through her I can see how to be strong. I can see that it is okay to be upset at times at the circumstances thrown in path.

I can also see the God blesses in ways that we may not begin to understand or want. He gives us exactly what we need at that time. With that I have begun to see the many blessings in my life lately. I was given a doctor who is the perfect person to help us on this journey to become parents. Once I felt that I could share my story, I no longer was alone on this journey with my husband who didn't quite understand my health concerns, I had wonderful family and friends who have had similar experiences who have shared with me what worked or didn't work, but most of all have been supportive. I don't have a mother who I can really go to about this. Every time I try to talk to her about she walks away, or starts talking about something else. I wish I had that relationship with her, but I never will. I see that, I recognize that, and have set boundaries for how she can treat me. Maybe one day there can bet rue healing, but until then I understand and accept what it is.

I am blessed with a wonderful group of woman on babycenter.com who have shared with me their struggles at the moment, and who are there, and wholely understand the issues I am facing. When I am down, they are there to be the positive ray of sunshine in my day, and have helped me to keep going as the days, weeks have gone on.

I have been blessed with finding books on my exact problems with PCOS, and given a way to have some sense of control of my health and weight. I am finding that I really do love these foods, that I am full when I should be, and I don't have this constant craving for sugary things. I love it, and I love feeling in control. With all the other emotional aspects, and the often feeling out of control of my own fate, this eating plan has given me something that I can control, and the knowledge that I am doing something good to help the ovulating issue.

I really, truly can't wait to see the other blessings that God has in store for me this year.

the joy of the lord is my strength....also my continuing work in the PCOS workbook.

Ch2 PCOS WOrkbook

Too much protein will increase ovulatory infertility, but eggs, dairy, and fish were found to increase fertility.

Things I can do to add omega-3:

flaxseed into my oatmeal or yogurt?
eat more salads with tuna instead of chicken
take a fish oil supplement (does my prenatal count?)
eat more eggs. If I hard boil them right, they aren't too bad.

Protein rich snacks to help keep me statisfied:
greek yogurt
jerky?
almonds
cashews
apples and pb

eat carb containing foods evenly throughout the day. Eat every 3-5 hours.

Ch 3 Pcos Workbook

Sugar should not be about half of the carbs in a food. Too much sugar to carb ratio means insulin levels will go up.

When choosing bread, ask yourself these three questions:
1. Does the first ingredient say 'whole'?
2. Does the food have more grams of fiber than its counterparts?
3. Does the food have the least amount of sugar compared to its counterparts?
If the answer is yes to all three, then buy it

What I want to try:
flaxseed in yogurt or oatmeal.
air-popped popcorn
whole grain pasta

The most difficult challenges to eating out is the bread and chips. I love chips and salsa, and love love the garlic bread.

Helpful strategies for eating out: Don't have the bread basket at the table. Ask for a to go box when they deliver your meal. Stop, pause, think about if you are full. Check in periodically with yourself as you eat. At least half your plate should be veggie (non-starchy). 1/4 protein, 1/4 carbs. Take a drink between bites.

Sample day of meals:
Breakfast (6:30)--oatmeal with almonds, coffee with milk, banana

Lunch (10:30)-- vegetable soup, apples with pb

Snack (1:30)--greek yogurt with flax seed , grapes

Dinner (4:30)-- chicken with whole wheat pasta (tomatoes and olives, oil)

Snack (7:30)--cottage cheese with berries

Could I follow this plan? Of course it won't be the same every day, but something like it I could do. Difficulties is my work schedule as I don't get many breaks, but will eat these healthy foods in front of kids. My goal is to have good stuff at work readily available, so I won't be tempted to eat what is in the workroom. I need to think about the meals the day before, so in the morning I just have to pack for the next day, and not feel rushed in the morning.

My thoughts this morning as I drove to work: I feel good. I feel good about myself. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I also thought that even if I the number on the scale doesn't go down, I am okay with that because I am full when I eat now, and I just feel better. My clothes are also fitting better already. I don't need to see the number go down to know that I have already made significant strides in self-esteem and self-image. I think it all comes back to having control over PCOS.

For months I had been praying fervently to God, asking him to provide a baby for us. In fact yesterday, I was crying in church, as I heard that a young adult's best friend is missing (reminding me of a time 10 years ago as we searched for a friend and the search ended in finding her body), and hearing that a good friend, no she is just like family, has breast cancer, and will be having a double mastectomy tomorrow. I realized that my problems aren't so bad, and that there is something I can do. In these other situations, we pray that God will provide, but it is a hurry up and wait situation, and I know how that young adult feels. So an answer was provided to me. Continue to eat the low gi, it is making me feel good, and it gives me control over my situation. God knows too well that I have control issues. So this morning, even after a night of more crazy dreams, even one in which I panicked thinking I slept well past my alarm, I didn't drag. I got ready and left, even putting on make-up and doing my hair. I feel so good about myself today. My clothes fit so much better. This is all after just a few days. This is what I can do to help myself, and the rest I will leave to God and the Drs.

My secret sister sent me this verse: "The joy of the LORD is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10. God is my strength, and in him I can do anything.

Dr's results....

So the last two days, I have been trying to follow as close as I can the low gi diet, while counting points as well to make sure I am not over eating. It was a little harder the last two days as we didn't have much in the house except chips, snacky things, and sugary dessert stuff.

We went to target today, and I got yummy veggies, fruit, a new salad dressing, lots of good stuff to make dinners and snack soup for next week. I am also going to try to not take frozen foods for lunch either. When we got home, I made myself a salad with tuna, sliced almonds, and the new dressing. It was yummy and filling, and I followed it with cottage cheese with blueberries and blackberries.

After just a few days I feel better. Not as moody, and when the doctor told me the hcg test was negative and he was going to get my Aunt Flo going, instead of being upset, I was ok. In fact, I was excited, but bummed that it could be 10 more days. I have never been so anxious for her to get here, but the sooner she is here, the sooner I can start taking the clomid, and we can start trying for a baby.

I am excited, and I am in a better place. I now have answers for how I am feeling and what is going on with my body, and there is a way to fix it. Can't wait to see the results, and what God has in store for us.

My first part of working my way through PCOS book....

PCOS WB Ch 1

Questions:

Do I have PCOS?

What exactly is it? Endocrine disorder. Increase in insulin gives you a spare tire (above belly button giving you a spare tire look, I think I have two spare tires. above and bellow). Skin tags (definitely have had a lot more of those). Strong cravings for sweets. Hypoglycemia (hunger, fatigue, nausea, shakiness, dizziness, headaches)–had all of these in the last few months.

When insulin levels are higher, more androgens produced, less female hormones. Increase in LH, not FSH. Cysts results of hormonal imbalance. Can cause absences of periods, or irregular cycles. Can bleed heavily.

Can I control it without taking metformin? Metformin helps with increasing ovulation (do i need it?)

What is hemophilic cyst?

Will a low gi diet help? Stay away from refined sugar. More small balanced meals. Higher protein. Changing you eating patterns can reduce your insulin and androgen levels, increase ovulation. Limit carb intake to one to three servings per meal (15-45 grams). Eating simple carbs worsens PCOS. Eat whole grains. Limit refined carbs (once or twice a week).

Favorite Refined Simple Carbs: Chips, candy, soda, white bread, everything sweet!! Pizza
Whole grains improve insulin resistance by slowing the erase of glucose.
enjoy eating: oatmeal, the whole grain breads from Costco
should be 100% of your grain choices, but spread them out over the day. One to three servings at each meal/snack. Combine protein with them.
Avoid juice and fruit syrup.
Limit fruit to one or two servings per meal. May want to eat with protein or fats. One banana is two fruit servings. I usually get 1 to 2 servings a day of fruit. Lately it hasn't been any. Need to add fruit back in. One reason I don't eat a lot of fruit is that I am allergic to citrus. I do need to start eating grapes, apples, and bananas more. Should do the Cinnamon apples again. I like that as a treat. Can eat more fruit with cottage cheese. Maybe even have oatmeal in mornings instead of zone bars with fruit and nuts added in. Make smoothies with fruit? Even berries with my yogurt would be good. NEED TO BUY IT!!!

Vegetables: Need to eat up to three non-starchy vegetables a day. I rarely eat vegetables. I am not a big fan of them. I need to make at least one vegetable for every dinner. No more eating fries or baked beans. I need to make sure I have green beans or broccoli, or some other non-starchy vegetable prepared in a way that I will want to eat them. Good thing for me is that corn and peas of starchy vegetables and shouldn't really be eating them. I need to find ways to make the vegetables more appealing. Even having salads on a regular basis, with dressing I like would be better than nothing at all. WW veggie soup would be a good idea too. Carrots with hummus. Half my dinner plate needs to be veggies.

legumes: Limit them, but in moderation they are good for you. Should have black beans on hand (I love them!!) Black Bean dip for veggies. Hummus is really yummy too!!

milk-Don't have milk with other carbs. Drink with proteins and instead of carbs. Need to consider 1-2 servings of full fat milk products (increases fertility). Once pregnant switch back. It definitely won't be drinking whole milk, yuck!

Happy New year...

The beginning of a new year often means a fresh start for many people. They make promises or resolutions, many of which are not kept. In weight watchers, we know to show up a little bit earlier in the first few weeks because many people show up having made a resolution to lose weight. Many don't stick with it, or any of the other resolutions we have made. I for one never make a resolution. I don't like the idea. What I want to do is have a blessings jar for the new year. I want to write down all the good things that happen in the year, and on new years eve I want to sit down and look back on all the good things of the year.

With this year, I hope that it brings a new addition to the family. I hope that by the end of year there is a little one in our arms. I hope and pray that we are provided that little miracle. I am also so thankful for the wonderful godly women put into my life who have had similar experiences as me. To be clear, the Dr never said I had PCOS. He never used those words, but as I conversed with these women over the last few days, and by doing some reading, I have come to realize that it is exactly what I have. It is complicated by the Prolactinoma I had, but everything has been made clear as I was reading. I downloaded the The PCOS Workbook: your guide to complete physical and emotional health, and boy was the first chapter eye opening. I will post later my thoughts as I work through this book, but as I read, I was like, Yep that is me. Wow that is me.

So I am going to try a low glycemic index diet with my weight watchers plan. I am going to still count my points, still watch portions (because that is what WW is really about), but I am going to also limit the carbs. I am going to stick to the more complex carbs, eat more proteins, fruits, and vegetables. I am going to eat more whole foods versus processed foods. More water instead of soda. Just in general be more healthy than I am at the moment. It can't hurt, it can only help, and with this book and information, I now know the right questions to ask.