holding pattern...

I feel like we are spinning our wheels. Stuck in one spot. Not moving forward, and not really going backwards. When I thought we would have a solution to my disease, or at least one that would ease the symptoms and put me into remission, I get told that I am just fat by the head of Neuro Ophthalmology at UCLA. She didn't want to listen, and got stuck on what she saw, and not on what I was saying.

So here we are waiting. Waiting for me to lose wait. For something that I have been trying to do for the last almost year, and what seems impossible at this point. I am trying something different. It can't hurt. Would love to lose weight, that isn't the problem. The problem is, what if I can't. What if I try it the way she wants, and I can't. I can't take the meds. Does that leave me with her other suggestion to just live with it? That doesn't seem to be ok, and if that is the other solution to this, then I want to be able to go back and start trying for a baby again. To me learning to live with it means it isn't life threatening. That it is just there like my asthma, I had to learn to live with it at the age of 2. I learned to live with headaches from a young age. I have learned to live with a lot of things.

To me, learning to live with it, means there is nothing wrong. It is just a nuisance. I know my limits at this point. I want to move on with my life. I want to move on from this holding pattern we have been in, and get on with the next step in my life. I am going to just live with the symptoms of Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension, then let me go on with my plans and dreams for my life. My plans and dreams of being a mom.