Sometimes you really shouldn't just say whatever comes to mind...

I saw the most absurd post on Facebook today. It is from a young woman who has two children. Let’s just say for all of us who want to be moms so desperately that we put ourselves through surgeries and treatments that are no fun in anyway and cost a ton of money, you get upset seeing the posts. It went something like this, “I love not being pregnant. I can pee whenever I please, get really drunk, and I can sleep on my tummy! Yay for no babies!”

Really? Is there a dislike button for facebook? Could you imagine if people could mark dislike, and what her reaction to it would be? This is what I deal with on a daily basis. You turn on the news a couple is being arrested for giving their 5 year old cocaine. Go on Facebook, and my friend is happy to not be pregnant because she can get really drunk (and be responsible for 2 babies under the age of 2). Yet here I am as bitter party of 1 because I would give anything to be the mom to just one baby.

Her words are no different than those of my students. A student saying to me I don’t have kids so it means I hate kids to me is similar to what this young woman posted on Facebook. This generation children we are raising really do not understand that you need to really think about the words spoken. Facebook has created an environment in which it is ok to say whatever you want whenever you want. I am all for speaking your mind, but you truly have to think how the spirit of your words are taken, and take into consideration who is seeing or hearing them.

So while I am glad that you are doing everything you can to not get pregnant again, and I applaud you for that, please keep in mind that some of us are, and it may not be taken well by those of us who struggle with the grief of either losing children before they were born, or never even having the chance to even love a child as your own.

To hell and back, that last few months...

Yesterday was an amazing day for me. I tried on pants I haven’t put on in about 2 years. I literally gained 70 lbs plus in three years. I have written many times about being broken physically and mentally. These last two years have been full of incredible heartache, so much so that writing even became too much. Every time I sat down to write something for the blog I would just cry and cry.

There is a point in which hope seems pointless. That things don’t seem like they will change. You are stuck in the same cycle over and over. While there are still days like that, my days seem to have gotten brighter. The overwhelming feeling of being helpless seems to go away little by little. As I tell people my story of a disease that no one even the Dr’s don’t really understand, to our struggle with having children, I keep getting told you should write a book.  Maybe one day I will turn my blog posts into books, but right now blogs seem to be enough.

In June I had gastric bypass. It was not an easy decision. If you had asked me a year ago, I was adamant that in no way would I do that. It was an easy way out, that I could just lose the weight on my own. As my Intracranial Hypertension and PCOS progressed to severity that my body could no longer handle, the hardly eating because of nausea and exhaustion was making me gain weight. Nothing, no matter how good I ate, I gained. On top of that I was dealing with a body that could no longer exercise that getting out of bed was a struggle, and I barely made it through the school year. In the last year, I have had 3 major surgeries. A brain surgery, back and spinal surgery, and my stomach.

Let me tell you bypass is no easy thing, but I am so glad that I made that decision. I am now 80 lbs lighter, and I have a new lease on life. My body is working normal again. There is hope. Seeing other pregnant woman, having friends and family making pregnancy announcements, anything pregnancy is still incredibly hard to deal with. I have had to find other avenues to deal with my emptiness that I feel. I now sell Origami Owl to help pay medical bills, and I coordinate Foreign Exchange students, as well as taking classes to be a Child welfare and Attendance Counselor. We have invited a young man for Taiwan into our home to be our son for the school year. I at least get to play mom for a little bit.

I pray and hope that one day I will get to know what it is like. I am now taking each day one day at a time, and using the strength God has given me to not blow up at that child who says I must hate kids because I don’t have any of my own. She is so young that she doesn’t truly understand the heartbreak I feel in my heart. I have gotten so good at putting on a façade. No one knows how much pain I am in physically or mentally. I hide the tears that want to spill out every time I hear an announcement or walk into the bathroom and over hear a pregnancy conversation. I hide the bitterness when I hear someone complain. I hide the snide comment I want to make when someone says I understand how you feel, or they know someone who has the same issue. No you don’t really understand, because unless you have been in my shoes, you can never understand how I feel, and the fake sympathy just makes me feel worse, but I know that they don’t know what else to say. Instead I go home and cry into my husband’s shoulders because yes he truly understands.

With all of this has become a feeling of inadequacy.  I can’t give him the one thing we both truly want. That my body and what it does is out of my hands, and that having a rare brain disease with no cure, and a medical condition that the medical community only recognizes enough to give you birth control but not cover the meds you actually need, is frustrating beyond belief. Why me? Why does the crack head get to keep popping out babies while I cry, pray, hope that one I get have just one of my own.  What I would give for a we weren’t planning it moment.

Through all of this though, there is one thing I have discovered. I have discovered not only how strong I am, but I have learned compassion for others. It was there, but not in the way it is now. I see that every one has there struggles, and what may seem like a small problem to me, I understand that for that person it can be a life and death struggle. The one thing I have told my family is that I hate that my Intracranial Hypertension is treated like something minimal. That it is nothing. It isn’t cancer. That it isn’t that big of a deal. Many people close to me have been guilty for this. For calling me a baby, for saying that I need to just deal with it. That it isn’t a life or death struggle like cancer. For me cancer seems almost better. The Drs know what to do with it. With my disease it is a shot in the dark. The shunt may or may not work. Just take these heavy-duty pain pills and live with it. Yes, you are going blind but it is just headaches. We truly don’t know how someone is suffering until we walk a day in his or her shoes. I am dealing, and I am so grateful that I get to go back to almost normal, that I have my life back, that I can do almost all of what I did before, because not everyone has been as lucky or blessed as me.

So in June I went into the hospital a very broken person. I came out a stronger woman. I survived 24 hours from hell in which I couldn’t get out of bed because just moving made me dry heave. I had nurses and Dr’s yelling at me to get out bed and walk within a couple of hours, but just a trip to the bathroom was enough to have me dry heave for 10 minutes. So when they realized that they couldn’t give me enough nausea meds and that sleeping was better than me being up, I was left alone.

Here I am 81 lbs lighter, and yesterday I decided to pull out old pants just to see if they would fit. They weren’t plus size. They were normal size bought in a store when I could just walk in a store and fit in clothes. They FIT!!! I was so excited. I felt sexy, I felt normal. We decided to take our “son” shopping (his favorite activity) and my husband said I could spend some money on clothes because he realizes that I just need new ones. So the first few stores I walked into, I looked around didn’t really see anything, and was truly nervous if I would even be able to fit. No one gave me that odd look like why are you in here, you won’t fit in anything. Instead there were inviting offered to help me. I finally worked up the courage to try on a few things. I cried, or almost did; I really do hate public crying. The 16 with no W after it fit. That hasn’t happen in a long time, a very long time. I thought maybe it is just the outfit, nope. The next item fit. The XL shirt fit, that is an XL not the XXL. It fit. So of course I had to buy a few. Now the 16 is a tight 16, but in a week or two it will be just right.

Now we are waiting on finding out am I or aren’t I. We are in that dreaded two week wait. I have all the glorious symptoms. See two years ago I was miserable with those sore boobs, you know all those PMS things. Well now I welcome the hormonal migraine, the sore boobs, the cramping, the moodiness because it means only one thing. My body is working, and I am back to almost normal cycles, although I was never truly normal.

In the meantime I have host mom duties, a jewelry business, teaching, graduate schooling, church activities, and lots of fall things to do that it seems the time is flying by fast. I truly can’t wait to see what God has planned for us, I just feel that we are on the other side and nothing but good is going to happen. In the meantime, I need to read up on how to deal with a teenager.

God is good...especially in dark times.

It has been an interesting last few weeks. Literally almost everyone I know is expecting a baby before the end of the year. Cried an hour over it. I am good now, but you never would have thought it would be so difficult.

Then last week I decided that I really like crocheting, it gives me something to do, and maybe I can make a little extra money at it, so I started crocheting things that are baby. So weird I know, but hey, I have a lot of babies to get gifts for in the next months.

I met with the Dr about bariatric surgery, and now I will be taking my next steps in having that surgery. A year ago, I absolutely refused, now, I feel like it is the absolute right decision. It is the best decision that I can make at the moment, and I feel like this is the next step in getting pregnant, and that I could do that without the use of fertility drugs.

Since becoming sick, I have realized that I was on so many medications that I really believe that it was making things worse. With this surgery, I hope to get off at least 1 if not 2 medicines. That it will keep my shunt working for a long time, and that I can get pregnant easily and hopefully in the next year or so.

In all of this, I have come to love my husband even more than I ever had before. He has been my rock, he takes care of me, and he is supportive no matter what I look like, feel like, or choose to do. God truly blessed me with a man that is the epitome of what a Christian Man should be.

This last week I also ran into one of my best friends from High School. It was amazing, and can’t wait to get together and catch up on what we have been up to in the over 10 years we haven’t seen each other.

So while there has been some dark times in the last few weeks, there have been many more blessings that have made it even more better, and really what can be better than spring break. 3 days of work, then I get to destress for a whole week, and come back to 6 weeks left in the school year.

It is spring, and I feel lots of changes are on the horizon, and it is the time of year to remember the man who made a sacrifice for us all. God is good.

God's approval...

Something has been bothering. On one of the support pages I posted about something that was bothering me. I vented. Along with the vent was a post about my plans to help my fertility. Apparently the idea of having a gastric bypass to help with my pcos is not one that many feel should be an option for me.

In that conversation I had with those people, it became evident that we are all so stuck in our need to become mothers that sometimes we forget that everyone needs to make the best choices for themselves, and that one option is not right one for everyone. I received a backlash of judgement from ladies who should have been my support. I wasn’t asking for advice, I was asking for support in my decisions and my struggles in trying to not become a bitter person and trying to be happy for all who have what I so glaringly don’t have my life. My 12 and 13 year old students ask innocently about any children I have, and then why I don’t have any yet. To them it is a given, they don’t yet know the struggle some of them or their friends and family will have, yet these women were those same children at one point.

How is it that we go from the innocence of childhood to tearing each other apart as adults? I am starting to see it younger and younger in the schools as well. We are too quick to pass judgement on someone, and I will be the first to admit that I do that as well. Instead of walking away from that conversation with an uplifted heart, I walked away with doubt and shame for a choice that I made. That somehow I was giving up too soon on medicine, and that I should just wait a little longer. Give it a chance.

It was then I realized that we all have different stories of how we have become who we are. I struggle with health and fertility issues which has put a financial strain on us. My struggle aren’t necessarily that of others. As I interact more with support groups on Facebook, I have realized that we too often tear down those that have a success story or those who are choosing a different method. We as humans seem to naturally want others to be as miserable as we are, to feel that pain we are feeling. We can’t let that define us. If anything that my IIH has taught me is that we can’t let our pain and problems define who we are. Yes I don’t do the same things I have been able to do in my past, but that doesn’t define me as a person, and I certainly can’t be ashamed of the decisions I make from this point on or have made in the past.

God has called us to love one another. He didn’t say judge each other. He also didn’t say only love the person if they do certain things. What he calls us to do as humans is to recognize our faults, and recognize and forgive it in our selves and others. We shouldn’t be saying harsh words to each other, and we definitely shouldn’t call it a support group if we are going to do nothing but tear each other down. That isn’t support.

With all of that being said, something was posted on Facebook that really bothered me. We too often as Christians tell women that a child is God’s blessing, or in the words of a friend yesterday, God’s approval on you and your husband. While these words are said with good intentions behind them, it is something that has bothered me. For someone who knew it would be a struggle to conceive (didn’t realize that it would be this much of a struggle) I struggle with the idea that it is God’s plan. Is it God’s plan that I was in pain for 16 months, that my husband and I would have thousands in medical bills for something that wasn’t even fertility related, and yet keeps us from being able to try for fertility treatments for the sheer reason that taking 10,000 out in loans for a treatment that has a 20% guarantee of working? I just don’t see how any of struggle in the last year has been God’s plan, and then to be told that it is all his plan with so much suffering that I have gone through. It just cuts you to the core. What could you possibly have done to deserve so much bad in one’s life? That is what it feels like every time I hear God’s Plan.

Nothing will take away the pain of not being able to get pregnant. That is a failure that is something that you just work through, with the hope that some day it will be a possibility. So when I read that it was God’s approval on someone to get pregnant, I lost it. That sentence passed judgement on all the rest of us who struggle. It isn’t a bible verse, it isn’t even true. Because if it was, then why do women who use and abuse their bodies get pregnant. Why do parents who abuse their children were able to become parents? There is something inherently wrong with the statement that children are god’s approval.

I then find myself thinking that she meant well, she has never truly understood what fertility struggles are. That I pass it off as she doesn’t know any better. This goes for anyone who posts a complaint about a little nausea, or that the ultrasound has to be done again and it is an inconvenience because you are uncomfortable while doing it, or that you are tired just a little more than usual. All of these things I would give anything to feel in a heartbeat. And that is where I become bitter, and I can’t let this feeling take over. I can’t let it define me. It is yet another thing that I have overcome, and with the strength God has given me, and used my situations to develop me I can. See that is where God comes in all of this. It is these situations that happen to us that God uses to help us to become better people, and find and discover ourselves in new ways.

I can do anything through him. I am going to try to be more uplifting to those around me. Not to let the negativity suck me in, and truly realize my strength in these very tough times for me.

gastric bypass or not to bypass?

I have wrote this post, and then decided not to post it because it just didn’t felt right, and then have restarted so many times. There are so many feelings and thoughts going through my head at the moment, and it is hard to put it into words in my post.

Facebook has been a barrage of pregnancy announcements. Some I am over the roof for, others just make me feel worse, and in some ways I have started to pity myself. I know that I am on the road to better things. I feel amazing, and haven’t felt this way in a long time. I am bogged down with 3 weeks of work that had to be graded in 5 days to do report cards, so a lot of stress involved. I only really started to get exhausted this week today. Usually tuesday was the first day in the week I could barely get out of bed to go to work. Pain is a non factor at this point, but the whole shooting pains in my hooha from the tubing is killer every once in a while (and something they don’t mention to you). When you feel hopeless, like things aren’t going to happen like you want and have dreamed and hoped for your whole life, it is hard to get out of that dark place.

Infertility is truly a grieving process. One in which you think you have made it through and then you are pulled back into those dark depths again. So here I am, watching everyone have their happy moments from a far. This isn’t to say that I am not happy with my current life, but there is just that something missing. My husband tells me all the time, he loves me no matter what. That is comforting, but still just that something that is missing.

So with all of that in mind, I went to an information meeting on bariatric surgery. Up until a month ago I would never have considered it. It wasn’t for me, but my Dr said something that made me really think, and then look up the research. She was of the same mind as me, she said no way am I going to let you do that. I had 3 Dr’s saying no bariatric surgery wasn’t the answer, 3 that did. Finally all agreed to eye-sight saving surgery to place a shunt with me willing to talk to a Dr about bariatric surgery. I said yes just so the Dr would do the surgery. All he said was I had to consider it, I did, and was dead set against it. Then Dr S said that she has been researching on how to help my fertility issues without needing drugs and Dr’s I couldn’t afford and insurance wouldn’t cover. What could we do to get my body to work right again. Losing weight is one, but with my thyroid and pituitary not working right due to the pressure in my brain, and PCOS, losing weight was a losing battle. I was already not really able to eat due to the nausea caused by headaches and the bad eyesight.

I feel like I am on an endless cycle of some eating disorder I can’t kick. I go from hardly eating for a few days to being so hungry I eat everything in sight. It has been a struggle, and one in which 15 lbs up and down is my story. So here I am talking with her about what she has researched and she says I think we should consider bariatric surgery. Dr S is the one Dr I trust. She knows me, she has been there every step of my adult life that I have struggled through. She is another mom to me. She listens, takes her time, and gets excited at all the successes in my life. She worries when I am too sick to get through daily life. She is the best Dr anyone can have. So when Dr S says bariatric surgery will reverse the PCOS at least long enough to get me pregnant. So I ran home did my research, and sure enough it does. That it is a procedure they use to treat PCOS. No one, not even the RE mentioned this to me before. Had they, maybe I would have done this last summer, but I can’t do the what ifs, that is another dark path.

So monday, my husband and I head out to Ventura to meet with the Dr. Have In-n-Out on the way (I know, fast food on the way to talk about bariatric surgery). Dr. B was funny, kept it light, and was extremely informative. I walked away with hope. With the idea that in June, I will have the surgery, and by this time next year or by June, I could be pregnant, or preparing to do so, and that my body will work right. Hope is amazing, it makes the world brighter, and makes it easy to get through anything. I had lost it. I had been wondering why me? Why do I have to deal with all of this?

What I am learning? Nothing happens when I want it to happen. I thought I would get married right out of college, didn’t find my soulmate until I was 30, when I had figured I would have already had my complete family by. So it makes sense that having kids is taking a little longer as well.

So in the meantime, I am going to enjoy life. Get that grading done, and really enjoy that I am getting my life back from the clutches of IIH. Can’t wait to see what is in store for the future.

LP shunt update

It has been a crazy, and life changing few weeks. I had the shunt placed, my head pain, and majority of Intracranial Hypertension symptoms have gone away. I have now gone back to work, and am so exhausted from the first few days, but not like before. I don’t get dizzy by the end of the day, my vision is almost normal, and while I have pain from the tubing as it settles in, the pain I had before is gone. I feel different, and it is a good different.

There is something I have been thinking about. This disease as well as PCOS has taken my ability to have children, has wreaked it’s havoc on my body, and caused me to gain so much weight that I am at a point in which maybe watching what I eat and or following a program isn’t working. I had a discussion with my GP, and she mentioned that she has changed her mind on gastric bypass. She believes from the research she has looked at that by going through gastric bypass I would be able to get pregnant. I questioned her on it, did my own research, and sure enough they have done studies on it, and it is looking like it is affecting PCOS women by reversing the hormonal imbalance and 18 months after, women are able to get pregnant. Is that my ideal age to have my first child? No, it isn’t. In the meantime, we are going to foster adopt.

In reality, one pregnancy will be enough for me. I am ok with that. I want at least two children, and through foster adopting we can have that and we can help much children who need someone positive in their lives. I can’t wait to jump into that.

Am I making the right decision on the gastric bypass? Only time will tell, and maybe going to the information meeting will make me realize it isn’t the right decision. What I do know is that IVF is out for us unless we come across major amounts of money, and any other fertility treatments since insurances right now won’t cover those.

I will also say, I have the best husband in the world. He has been there every step of the way. There was some complaining, but he has made sure that I was comfortable and well taken care of while recovering, and I truly wouldn’t have gotten through this without him. God gave him to me at just the right time. Now it is time for some good to come. Our first two years we were dealt with incredibly difficult health issues for me, so it should all be up from here.

One day at a time....

That one time when you read the church bulletin announcing a baby shower for someone you didn’t know was pregnant, and you felt a swift kick to your gut because you aren’t. Yeah, that was me yesterday. I also felt okay to say that I am not going, I can’t handle it.

I read somewhere that it is ok to say no, I won’t be there. It is ok to just send a present. Why put myself through that? I really am the biggest supporter of baby showers for anyone no matter their situation, but right now the hurt of why not me is just too much. It seems just when you feel you have gotten past all the tears and hurt, and you are to the numbness point grief something else just makes it all come rushing back.

Truly I am just tired. I am tired of fighting chronic pain (my back has been in killer pain since last wednesday). I think the pain is finally going away, and then my head starts to hurt, and then my back starts hurting and the head stops. This headache is traveling up and down my back and head. Tylenol and Advil barely cut it. So here I am counting the days until my shunt surgery, taking my metformin religiously, and thinking 18 more days and we get to think about a future filled with kids. We get to go back to that dream that has been on hold for a year. A very trying year in which our finances have become shotty because we have a ton of medical bills to pay for, two surgeries in three months, specialists, and lots of tests. Most not fertility related, but all of it affecting that fertility.

The reality is, I will have this shunt placed, and when I get pregnant, notice I said when because I truly believe it is going to happen (I have to have hope), I will have to have a csection with general anthestic because I won’t be able to have an epidural. This shunt may save my vision, but will only make for a more complicated pregnancy and delivery.

With that said, I have looked at the number on the scale. To me it is too little weight lost. Like I am not losing it fast enough, I could probably thank Biggest Loser for that one seeing as since I have started watching it I think my measly few pounds a week seem so small, when really that is a huge win for me. I haven’t been losing. I have been keeping on track with calorie intake and it was going no where. Put on metformin, and my body just feels different now. No more shakes when going too long without food. While I still have no energy (that is my IIH to thank for), I feel that I am processing the food better. So when last Friday I was only down 9.1 lbs, I did feel a little down. I then did the math. If I kept that up for every month I would be down 108 lbs by the end of the year. I am not perfect. I don’t track Saturdays, didn’t track yesterday because really it was Superbowl Sunday and well, I was just lazy. So while I am not perfect every day, I am good 80% of the time. Being down 108 by the end of the year, I am ok with that. So while the 9 seemed like a small number by itself, multiplied of 12 months it is a big number.

Besides I am thinking about Gastric Bypass. My GP mentioned she has done some research and she may be able to trick my body into doing what it needs to, to get pregnant with this. So maybe this summer it will happen, maybe it won’t, but I am a fighter and I will get this accomplished some way, some how.

In the meantime, I am going to sing "Broken hallelujah" at the top of my lungs each morning. If you haven't heard it by Mandisa, I highly suggest you listen. Very powerful words.

I will survive....

I have been absent for several days now from here. I have been barely surviving. Barely surviving in many ways. I started back in a classroom full time. No more pool subbing for me, but it means that I didn’t have the time to bring things in and put them away. I had to not only lesson plan, organize the classroom, but also prepare for when I am going to be gone for two weeks.

3 weeks from today I will be having a LP programmable shunt placed. In the meantime, I am getting 10,000 plus steps in a day running around the classroom (my teaching style is to be everywhere in the classroom, even the kids every where in the class) and running around a campus that is at least a mile wide or at least it seems that way. Spent an afternoon unpacking and cleaning with my mom while making sure the rambunctious 14 month old doesn’t get into anything he isn’t supposed to (my nephew is with us for four weeks, thank goodness he is with my mom most of the time), and the only thing I can do is come home and sleep and relax. So that means that baby making thoughts aren’t really there.

The reality is that I can’t be pregnant until after my surgery. Not that it would happen right. We have spent almost two years without anything looking like a positive on a test. I have even been told I just don’t ovulate unless of course I taking medicine that we can’t afford because insurance won’t pay for it. So at this point there isn’t really hope, but that doesn’t make me immune to those pregnancy announcements. Here is where the other barely surviving part comes in. One friend has been complaining about pregnancy related things, another announced they are having their third boy, and another announced they are having a baby and gender at same time by having their son hold an ultrasound picture. That last one made me cry instantly. Like my SIL, they will be close in age with each other. In the time we have tried to have a baby they will have had two.

On top of that someone I work with started asking me all about Foster care. I don’t need to be reminded that we aren’t able to do that right now either. That we have had to put off because of this stupid disease. So foster/adopt is off the table. Go on CNN and I am reminded through an article about women should stop waiting to have children in their 30s because of all the infertility things you have to deal with and the chances of defects are higher. Thanks CNN for telling me I have waited too long. So it has been one after the other.

Although last night I had a dream. I had a dream that this random minister came up to me sometime in the next week or so, anointed me with oil and prayed for my surgery to be successful at that after I will get pregnant quickly. Hey, that is a great dream. I believe in messages being sent through dreams from God. I often think it is how he talks to me. Shows me things I worry about. So I woke up refreshed, and not so depressed. I just have to get through today, my excruciating back pain has eased to a dull ache. I can do this.

The countdown is on, in three weeks I will be having a surgery that could change my life. I am down 9 lbs with the metformin and watching calories, and I truly believe that maybe, just maybe we have an answer to prayers and more answers and blessings are to come.

In the words of a teacher at my school, “Welcome Home.” That is what this week has been, a homecoming to a school where we are all may be beaten down by the school district and media, but we stand together to make a difference, and I was welcomed back with open arms and finally feel like where I should be for now. I got my change, I didn’t like it, and I am back making a difference in a community that needs it.

LP shunt

Although I wanted to throat punch the sample lady at costco who was trying to force huggies samples on me because I apparently looked like I needed them....

That was the start to the post I was going to do yesterday. I was going to tell you how it looked like we were moving forward on the foster adopt. That I was managing my Intracranial Hypertension. So I figured the neurosurgery appointment today was, "Let's wait and see what happens." Nope that wasn't the outcome. It was you are going to have an LP shunt. So that means foster/adopt moves back some, and it means that we are going to have to figure out how to pay bills in when I am forced to be home for two weeks.

So this is a pray that it works and that God provides type of situation. In a way I am ok with it, I feel like I finally have an answer. A solution that while it won't cure me, will hopefully help to save my vision and I can move on with my life.

In the meantime, I get to spend 4 glorious weeks with the cutie patootie that is my nephew while his parents go on a trip that I am totally jealous about to the opposite side of the world.

If you get a chance feel free to visit: https://www.jewelryincandles.com/store/tracyford. Need to raise as much money as possible to pay for medical bills.

To baby talk or not to baby talk? That is the teary answer....

Why is that talking about babies with some people is like tearing your heart out, but around certain people you can do it without even shedding a tear? When it comes to baby talk certain people make me just cry like crazy. I am upset, do the pity why me stuff, and just don’t want to be around them in general.

Today I was hesitant to go out with some of my very good girlfriends. They both are moms of two cute girls. They share something that I don’t, and neither one really truly understand what I am going through. They have given me the just relax, maybe this so and so will work. So I was hesitant. I woke up thinking I should have just come up with an excuse to not be there. Besides what is the fun of having a rare brain disease other than to use it to get out of going to things you don’t want to be at, or doing things you don’t want to do. Anyway, I still got up, took shower and got dressed, the whole time thinking why I am I doing this on the last friday of my vacation. I should stay home and do nothing.

Nope, I went down stairs took my thyroid meds, and then made breakfast all while having the worst muscle spasm in the middle of my back. I could barely breath without it being painful. That would have been a good excuse, I can’t move because of my back. Nope, got ready, left early to stop and get the metformin I am supposed to start today, and drove all the way there.

I dreaded spending the day with them. I dreaded eating and then walking the mall. Instead, I enjoyed myself. I didn’t freak at how many calories was in something, I just went with something sensibly priced and fit in with my calories. I didn’t use food to overcompensate because it just felt right to be there with them. We caught up, gossiped, talked about babies (got to brag a little about my adorable nephew), talked about my medical concerns, about theirs, and realized that they really are trying to understand what I am going through. They get it. They may not ever have to face it, but they get it. There was no more what if you do this or just relax, it was is there a way to pay for IVF. It was, I agree paying that much (or in our case taking out a loan) for something that has a low success rate just isn’t something they would do either. They understood because she asked, “Do you mind if we go look at baby stuff?” Those are true friends.

They allowed me to share without judgement. We talked about anything and everything. They listened and offered support. Today was exactly what I needed. Guess what, walking into the baby section wasn’t so bad today. Walking the mall wasn’t so bad today. Did I have my bad moments went I could feel physically it was becoming too much? You bet, but I pushed on. I made it, and I had a great time with friends I never get to see any more. Today gave me a little hope that one day wether it is by pregnancy or foster/adopt we will have a little one. Just have to wait a little longer, that is the hard part.
So thank you to my friends, two wonderful women who unknowingly helped me today and showed me the true meaning of friendship.

My goals for 2014

Yesterdays Dr appointment went well. I am now on metformin, hope this helps even if I am not as insulin resistant as they would like for that med. I will take anything that will put my hormones into some normalcy. Talking with Dr, I really need to just focus on myself. Making sure I stay healthy.

I am grateful that I have been mostly headache free for the last month. I am grateful for a supportive husband. I am grateful that while my disease could be a lot worse, I seem to have a much easier time than most. I am grateful for a loving family that understands what I am going through and willing to help. There may have been some tough spots through which I have gone with some of my family, but they are there and supportive.

So my focus for 2014, get healthier and stay healthy. I am going to focus on me. No getting on myself because I didn’t lose weight that week. I will accept the mistakes and set backs, and eat healthy no matter what. Even if it doesn’t show on the scale. While wanting to be a mommy is my ultimate goal and dream, I need to really accept that this moment doesn’t seem to be the right one.

I have recontacted the foster agency, Children’s Bureau. I am hoping that we can go back to the training to become foster/adopt parents. We were planning on doing that at some point, it just may be that we do this first, and have baby later. There are so many wonderful children out there that need loving families. Believe it or not, in the Los Angeles area there are a lot of newborns in need of families. We may not get to keep them, and get our forever baby, but along the way we get to love children who have family that can’t at that moment, and we are involved in a process that creates safe, permanent homes for them.

Let me encourage you to look into Fostering wether or not you are already parents, have grown children, or aren't parents yet. There are so many children who need a loving, supportive home with strong role models.

Fertility Fundraising ideas...

Today is my wonderful Husband’s birthday. He is has been so strong through all of this. He has watched me go crazy on clomid, and then cry enormous amounts of tears when it wasn’t our month to see that BFP on the stick or Beta test. He is amazing and will make a great father one day. Hopefully sooner than later.

So today I will cook and bake something special, but in the meantime I need to find ways to save money. Between medical bills and those pesky furlough days the school district forced on us employees, the money is tight. Seems like we are always catching up. Of course the thousands I have probably put into pregnancy tests only to see one line every time doesn’t seem to help either. I can’t resist a good pee on the stick, although I think it is making me a little nuts. It is a test after all, and I was a gifted student, so it is only natural that I feel like a total failure that I can’t get that “A” I so desperately want. The “A” being that I see two lines instead of one. I got a 4.0 GPA in my Master’s Program (was only one that did) so why is it that I can’t seem to get a stinking second line on a test.

Oh well I digress, so I have been thinking of ways to raise some extra money. Getting a second part time job really isn’t in the cards for me. With my IIH, I need to have the least amount of stress as possible on my body. Teaching is already like two full time jobs as it is. So I have decided to sell candles from home. While they are a little back logged on getting candles out, they are getting caught up. Visit my site here https://www.jewelryincandles.com/store/tracyford .  I have also looked into pimping out our car, I mean driving around with advertising on it. Hey you get a free car wash on top of the money they pay you. I will continue to rack my brain for other ways to come up with extra cash. This is what I have so far.

Now I need to get back to cooking so I can go sit at Dr's this afternoon while they try to work me in. I am being put on metformin to help the pcos.

Am I strong?

“Wow, you are so strong?” Am I? I don’t feel that way. I feel broken. Why do I have to go through this? Why is it that there are people in this world who shouldn’t be parents or aren’t ready to be parents become parents, when I would make a great mother and can’t be one without medical help? Medical help that I can’t even get because while PCOS is a medical condition, in the fertility sense it is not, and therefor not covered by insurance because I am electing to go that route. My body doesn’t ovulate on it’s own, but if I want birth control (which there isn’t a need for it if my body essentially is doing that itself) then they would be happy to help with that. I am pregnant and don’t want to be, they would be more than happy to pay for that, but if I want to get pregnant, sorry they won’t help with that.

In this sense I feel broken. I can’t give my husband the one thing that he has always wanted to be. I can’t be that one thing I have always wanted to be. No matter what foods I do or don’t eat, no matter how much or little exercise I do, it won’t help me. So how can I be strong? Is it because I have so much to face? I have severe PCOS, I have a rare brain disease, and with both I am dealing with a lot medically. A lot of tests, visits to Dr’s and possible surgeries. Does this make me strong?

All I know is that I get through every day with prayer. That God is working in my life somehow and that there is a meaning for all of this. I can only know that I will persevere and somehow I will find a way to be happy and to work through all of this. I just have to be patient and keep praying that my prayers will be answered. Find the good in every day.

My good: No headache since the beginning of December other than a few mild ones. Nothing like the previous three months in which I thought my head would explode.

Is it Taboo?

Ever have an awkward Trying to Conceive moment? Ever walk down the aisle, you know the one in where the pregnancy tests are right next to the condoms. I happened to go shop at the local Target. I wasn’t planning on getting the tests, I would if I didn’t see my BIL there. I checked on the way in, and I checked again after I got everything else I needed. I went okay he isn’t here, so I will casually walk over to the aisle and grab a test quickly off the shelf, and pray that no one I know sees me. As I walk down the aisle, my BIL walks past. I was so freaked out, we talked briefly and he went over to the employee room. I quickly grabbed a box, and practically ran to the cash register hoping it didn’t look like I was making a run for it. All the while praying that he stays in the room long enough that I can check out and leave.

Yep that sums up the process. You don’t want to talk about it with anyone because you don’t want to jinx it. You don’t want to talk because you are embarrassed that your body doesn’t work like it is supposed to. You don’t talk about it because you don’t want to hear whatever advice people have for you. You don’t talk because you don’t want to make it real that there are issues.

Then you sit there having questions about certain things. Why do you feel this or that? Yet, you can’t because you don’t want people to know, you want to keep things quiet. You try to google, which can I say is the worst possible thing to do. You end up thinking you have yellow spotted fever or cancer. Really, today I googled symptoms and the the search gave me links to cancer symptoms.

This is why I am airing our issues. More people need to talk about infertility. There is something wrong when insurance will cover birth control and abortions, but not the opposite of those medical issues. That we as a society fight for women’s reproductive rights, but that to many means only the woman’s right to choose birth control and abortions, not the other side of choosing. This is why it needs to be talked about openly. So that many of us don’t feel like we are alone, and for others to understand what is like to be in our shoes.

Feel free to leave a comment about your experiences.

The grieving process of infertility....

It has been a long time. A lot has happened. Even though I have never been pregnant that I know of, I am still in a grieving process. Every little thing hurts. Seeing a SIL who is pregnant again and doesn’t seem to understand that you are happy but can’t handle the complaints. Seeing fb friends who talk about every little “first” since they found out. Going out and seeing women all around who are pregnant. Seriously, you are TTC and all of a sudden every women around your age is having children. Although I am sure that this isn’t an increase in pregnancy, just I notice it more.

People ask all the time when are you going to have children. It takes everything I can to not run away crying. They don’t understand the heartache. They don’t understand the that was supposed to be my due date and I can’t handle your news right now.

In September, my RE decided that I would have to pay in full. They no longer would bill my insurance. With that told to us, all my hope for ever getting pregnant disappeared. With my PCOS, I don’t ovulate on my own, or if I do it is rarely. I cried for days, and at the littlest thing. Right as I found this out, my Brother sends me a text with an ultrasound picture. Needless to say I was devastated. I was happy for them. Many people just don’t understand that. I am happy that I will have a new little nephew, but if my clomid cycle had been successful my SIL had the exact same due date. Then to find out it was whoops made it even more devastating for me.

I had read somewhere that infertility is a grieving process. I always had a faint thought that I would have trouble. I had a pituitary tumor a few years ago. I was told that with the PCOS and the tumor it would be hard to conceive. That all they needed to do was give me some meds. Turns out it isn’t that simple. With a Brain Disease diagnosis and an insurance that won’t pay for anything fertility wise even though you have a medical condition causing the problems. I have had to grieve over the idea that I won’t ever be able to have children. Never get to experience that.

Right around this time my vision and headaches were getting worse. We thought that I was going to have to have a shunt, but that I would have the surgery soon, and we would proceed with foster adopting, and then we had issues with that, and surgery was being put off, and I was in a lot of pain. So my depression got worse. I have been struggling to get through the day. Every day something reminding me of what a total failure I was at becoming a mother.

I think I have gotten close to the acceptance phase. Maybe even gotten a little hope that back that a miracle might happen. I was reminded at Christmas that it does happen. That it just may not be when I want it to, but that someday I will be a mom. It doesn’t mean that I don’t cry when I see or hear certain things, but I will get through this. God has a plan, I am just a little impatient.