this can't be my life...

My heart is breaking. Every time I begin to think about what this all means I cry hysterically. If you have ever watched Grey's Anatomy I feel like Christina when I cry. She has some of the best crying scenes in that show, and that is exactly how I am crying. Everything is a blur. It seems as if it is happening to someone else, and then I think about when I stop taking progesterone and get my af, I get to do the count down to ovulation. I was so looking forward to that. I was looking forward to the day I get to do the I am pregnant dance. Peeing on that stick and seeing two lines.

That day is far away now, and may never happen. Let me go back to the beginning. A few months ago I noticed that besides having trouble reading, I was starting to get wavy vision in my left eye. I could see fine in my right, but my left the words seemed to be wavy. I just thought I needed new glasses. I have an astigmatism, and figured that it was that, and I needed to wait until I was eligible to get an exam again in January.

On tuesday, I went to get my eyes checked and was told that I have a swollen optic nerve. She said there was a few causes, one of them being ms. So of course I freaked out over that, but I didn't have any of the other symptoms. So I figured the neurologist wouldn't think it was any major. I went to see the neurologist yesterday, and now I have to go for a mdi, mrv and a mra to see if it is a brain tumor or something to with the blood vessels. The dr is saying the brain tumor is more likely. It could even be that pesky pituitary tumor back now and growing. Then told me that I couldn't actively try to get pregnant. Absolutely no clomid, nothing. This is where my heart breaks. It it is a pituitary tumor, there is surgery involved to remove it, and radiation. I know the treatment if it has grown.

Sometimes I hate knowing. I hate being the intelligent person who arms themselves with information. Because that is what I did when I was first diagnosed. I know what I am facing, and with that I am scared to death that I will never be able to have children. I can't even not cry without thinking about what is going to happen.The next two to three weeks of my life is limbo. I am stuck in a spot where I don't know what the future is. Everything lies on this diagnosis, and it could take longer than that. I have a hard time handling that. I have a hard time not knowing what is going to happen at least in the nest 6 months. I was that 13 year old who had her life planned out for the next 20 years. I knew what college, what I was going to study, what job I was going to do, when I was going to have a family. And now, everything that 13 year old girl had planned didn't happen, and the one biggest thing I ever wanted or dreamed about, may never happen. I feel like I am living someone else's life. Amazing how an hour can just change everything.

I am so thankful that I have found the low gylcemic diet. It at least gives me some control over what is going on. Instead of not eating, or just eating everything in sight. I am controlling that. Thank God that I had planned out the week with my lunches. That I had the presence of mind to go and make sure I had everything. I just roboticly packed what I was supposed to take last night, had one last snack, and went to bed. I thank God that I had a good night of sleep once I did fall asleep. I just need to keep moving, even it is through the monitions. Get through the day, and the next. It is only by the strength of God that I am.

My prayer today, God give me the strength to get through the day. Help me to forget about it for at least a little bit. Heal me, and have a diagnosis quickly, and provide that one thing I ask, that someday I will be able to have a baby.