One day at a time....

That one time when you read the church bulletin announcing a baby shower for someone you didn’t know was pregnant, and you felt a swift kick to your gut because you aren’t. Yeah, that was me yesterday. I also felt okay to say that I am not going, I can’t handle it.

I read somewhere that it is ok to say no, I won’t be there. It is ok to just send a present. Why put myself through that? I really am the biggest supporter of baby showers for anyone no matter their situation, but right now the hurt of why not me is just too much. It seems just when you feel you have gotten past all the tears and hurt, and you are to the numbness point grief something else just makes it all come rushing back.

Truly I am just tired. I am tired of fighting chronic pain (my back has been in killer pain since last wednesday). I think the pain is finally going away, and then my head starts to hurt, and then my back starts hurting and the head stops. This headache is traveling up and down my back and head. Tylenol and Advil barely cut it. So here I am counting the days until my shunt surgery, taking my metformin religiously, and thinking 18 more days and we get to think about a future filled with kids. We get to go back to that dream that has been on hold for a year. A very trying year in which our finances have become shotty because we have a ton of medical bills to pay for, two surgeries in three months, specialists, and lots of tests. Most not fertility related, but all of it affecting that fertility.

The reality is, I will have this shunt placed, and when I get pregnant, notice I said when because I truly believe it is going to happen (I have to have hope), I will have to have a csection with general anthestic because I won’t be able to have an epidural. This shunt may save my vision, but will only make for a more complicated pregnancy and delivery.

With that said, I have looked at the number on the scale. To me it is too little weight lost. Like I am not losing it fast enough, I could probably thank Biggest Loser for that one seeing as since I have started watching it I think my measly few pounds a week seem so small, when really that is a huge win for me. I haven’t been losing. I have been keeping on track with calorie intake and it was going no where. Put on metformin, and my body just feels different now. No more shakes when going too long without food. While I still have no energy (that is my IIH to thank for), I feel that I am processing the food better. So when last Friday I was only down 9.1 lbs, I did feel a little down. I then did the math. If I kept that up for every month I would be down 108 lbs by the end of the year. I am not perfect. I don’t track Saturdays, didn’t track yesterday because really it was Superbowl Sunday and well, I was just lazy. So while I am not perfect every day, I am good 80% of the time. Being down 108 by the end of the year, I am ok with that. So while the 9 seemed like a small number by itself, multiplied of 12 months it is a big number.

Besides I am thinking about Gastric Bypass. My GP mentioned she has done some research and she may be able to trick my body into doing what it needs to, to get pregnant with this. So maybe this summer it will happen, maybe it won’t, but I am a fighter and I will get this accomplished some way, some how.

In the meantime, I am going to sing "Broken hallelujah" at the top of my lungs each morning. If you haven't heard it by Mandisa, I highly suggest you listen. Very powerful words.