I will survive....

I have been absent for several days now from here. I have been barely surviving. Barely surviving in many ways. I started back in a classroom full time. No more pool subbing for me, but it means that I didn’t have the time to bring things in and put them away. I had to not only lesson plan, organize the classroom, but also prepare for when I am going to be gone for two weeks.

3 weeks from today I will be having a LP programmable shunt placed. In the meantime, I am getting 10,000 plus steps in a day running around the classroom (my teaching style is to be everywhere in the classroom, even the kids every where in the class) and running around a campus that is at least a mile wide or at least it seems that way. Spent an afternoon unpacking and cleaning with my mom while making sure the rambunctious 14 month old doesn’t get into anything he isn’t supposed to (my nephew is with us for four weeks, thank goodness he is with my mom most of the time), and the only thing I can do is come home and sleep and relax. So that means that baby making thoughts aren’t really there.

The reality is that I can’t be pregnant until after my surgery. Not that it would happen right. We have spent almost two years without anything looking like a positive on a test. I have even been told I just don’t ovulate unless of course I taking medicine that we can’t afford because insurance won’t pay for it. So at this point there isn’t really hope, but that doesn’t make me immune to those pregnancy announcements. Here is where the other barely surviving part comes in. One friend has been complaining about pregnancy related things, another announced they are having their third boy, and another announced they are having a baby and gender at same time by having their son hold an ultrasound picture. That last one made me cry instantly. Like my SIL, they will be close in age with each other. In the time we have tried to have a baby they will have had two.

On top of that someone I work with started asking me all about Foster care. I don’t need to be reminded that we aren’t able to do that right now either. That we have had to put off because of this stupid disease. So foster/adopt is off the table. Go on CNN and I am reminded through an article about women should stop waiting to have children in their 30s because of all the infertility things you have to deal with and the chances of defects are higher. Thanks CNN for telling me I have waited too long. So it has been one after the other.

Although last night I had a dream. I had a dream that this random minister came up to me sometime in the next week or so, anointed me with oil and prayed for my surgery to be successful at that after I will get pregnant quickly. Hey, that is a great dream. I believe in messages being sent through dreams from God. I often think it is how he talks to me. Shows me things I worry about. So I woke up refreshed, and not so depressed. I just have to get through today, my excruciating back pain has eased to a dull ache. I can do this.

The countdown is on, in three weeks I will be having a surgery that could change my life. I am down 9 lbs with the metformin and watching calories, and I truly believe that maybe, just maybe we have an answer to prayers and more answers and blessings are to come.

In the words of a teacher at my school, “Welcome Home.” That is what this week has been, a homecoming to a school where we are all may be beaten down by the school district and media, but we stand together to make a difference, and I was welcomed back with open arms and finally feel like where I should be for now. I got my change, I didn’t like it, and I am back making a difference in a community that needs it.